- in Dear Love Drive by Shaun Galanos
I’m planning a sex date. How do I tell them I have herpes?
Dear Love Drive,
I’m planning a sex date with a couple. How do I tell them I have herpes?
I met with a couple about having a threesome. This isn’t the first time but I’ve never liked the couple enough to actually sleep with them. This one, I really liked.
I wanted to bring up the STD issue (I have herpes and used to have HPV – although the latter is cleared from my system, I am now still telling people I used to have it) but there didn’t seem to a good time to bring it up.
They want to see me again but I want to tell them my STD situation BEFORE we meet in person again, in case they need time to think about it (hard lessons learned from the past).
Do you think it is weird to do that over text? Should I call them? A call seems awkward but then, so does a text.
How would you handle this?
Upfront and Honest, W, 35
Hi Upfront and Honest,
Way to go
On setting up threesomes (fun) and on wanting to be upfront about your sexual health and wanting to give your potential partners the time they might need to sit with your disclosure.
It sounds like you’ve had this conversation in person before and it didn’t end well. So you’re looking for a way to disclose your status over the phone before meeting them again. Sounds like a good strategy to avoid a potentially embarrassing rejection in person.
The first rule of sex applies here.
It’s only awkward if you make it awkward
Talking about sex will be awkward until we all get better at it. We’re just not taught how to do it. We don’t learn it from our parents, in our schools, and I’ve never seen it discussed in the lead up to a porn.
And if talking about sex is awkward, disclosing sexually transmitted infections can be downright frightening
One thing remains true: practice makes perfect.
So we swallow our fear and do it anyway.
Make the call
Call him. Tell him you have something you want to share with him before you both meet.
Hey, I had a really nice time with you both. I’d love to see you again but first I want to share some information about my sexual health. I want to give you and your partner some time to talk it over before we meet again.
I have HSV. My last outbreak was 9 months (or however long) ago and I’m currently taking antiviral medication (if you are). I also had HPV but have been free of symptoms for 2 years( or however long).
That’s it. I’m happy to answer any questions and I understand if you’d rather not take the risk of getting exposed. Either way, want to chat with your partner and get back to me later?
And then wait. Resist the urge to say anything and see what he says.
He might say they also have herpes, or that he has to talk to his partner, or that he would prefer not risk it. It doesn’t matter what he says. Your responsibility is to give your potential partners all the information you have about your sexual history and let them figure out how they want to proceed.
Be brave
And know you’re not alone. The more we talk about sexually transmitted infections the more we normalize talking about them. And the more we realize that we are not alone. When we disclose we empower others to disclose.
Sexually transmitted infections are simply a part of being a sexually active adult. That’s it. Nothing more.
Let us know how it goes.
Have a question you want answered? Send it to [email protected]
Shaun Galanos is the The Love Drive. He lives and writes in Montreal.
Other Dear Love Drive questions:
Dear Love Drive: I’m nervous about telling my family I’m getting a vasectomy
Dear Love Drive: Why do guys send unsolicited dick pics to women?
