My Boyfriend Shared Private Naked Photos to Stranger. What Now?

Dear Love Drive,

My partner has been exchanging naked photos and having lewd conversation with people on the internet.

Can I forgive this and move on? I love him but I’m so resentful.

I’ve been with my partner for almost 10 months. I left everything behind in California and moved to Denver to be with him.

Last week I found conversations on his phone where he was exchanging naked photos and videos, and having lewd conversations with other guys. I even found out that he’d sent a private video of me to one of these guys. We’d had conversations about this sort of behavior before so he knew I wasn’t OK with it.

He’s been doing this pretty much the entire time we’ve been together.

I confronted him when I found them and we got in a big fight. After we calmed down we talked about it and both decided that we want to forgive each other and move past it.

He promised to not have these sort of exchanges again and I promised to not go through his phone again. I want to be with him and I want to forgive him, but I still feel very disturbed and resentful, but it’s only been a few weeks.

Is it too early for this sort of thing to happen? Can I trust him? Is this sort of thing forgivable?

I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect me/our relationship and takes me for granted.

Help.

Disturbed in Denver, 29

Hi DID,

Is it too early for this sort of thing to happen?

By ’this sort of thing’ I’m assuming you’re referring to your partner exchanging sexual photos and conversations with people on the internet against your wishes. ‘This sort of thing’ also includes his sending a private video of you naked to someone without your consent.

You never have to expect this sort of behavior to happen, no matter how long you’ve been dating. There’s no length of time that makes it OK for your partner to violate an agreement that you two had. It sounds like he knew this behavior wasn’t OK with you and did it anyways.

Can I trust him?

Maybe. Can he trust you?

It’s clear there’s a lack of trust in the relationship. You went through his phone because you suspected he was up to something. He’s been flirting with guys online behind your back.

Is this sort of thing forgivable?

Yes and no.

Some relationships are strong enough to recover from infidelity. While there’s no evidence that he physically cheated on you, exchanging photos and sexual conversations can be seen as infidelity for some people. It all depends on what is and is not OK with you both.

Is your relationship strong enough and built on a foundation of mutual respect for each other? I’m not so sure. It’s hard to build this kind of foundation in such a short period of time.

This kind of behavior is a deal breaker for some folks. You say you’re still resentful and disturbed. I’d be pretty disturbed if my partner shared a private video of me to a stranger without my consent. I’m not sure I could move on.

Only you can decide whether you can eventually move past it. It’s only been a few weeks. The resentments could lessen over time. Or they could not. Only time will tell.

Can people change?

Some people can change, some of the time.

People often change very subtly over long periods of time.

Your partner has to choose you and your relationship over whatever pleasure he gets from sharing photos and having lewd conversations with other people. It has to be worth it for him and he has to respect you and the relationship enough to want to do it. You can’t make him stop as much as you might want to.

I love lists so I wrote one for you.

Four steps to forgiving while protecting yourself

1. Don’t take it personally

His infidelity is not about you. It’s about his selfishness of wanting to engage in sexual behavior online while still maintaining a relationship with you. He’s not doing this to you, he’s just doing this. He might not be able to control himself.

2. Assume good intentions

People mess up. It’s what we do. It’s surprising we don’t create more wreckage than we do. Some people can change. Your partner might be one of them.

3. Have no expectations

Don’t expect him to change and If he doesn’t you’ll avoid the crushing disappointment. If he does however you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

4. Look out for yourself

Take steps to protect yourself. Reach out to loved ones. Talk about what’s happening. Seek alternative accommodations so that if you have to move out suddenly you won’t find yourself out in the cold with nowhere to go.

Should you risk it?

You’re a risk taker. You took a big one when you decided to move halfway across the country to be with him after only having known him for a few months.

The decision to forgive each other has already been made so might as well give it a shot. Know in your heart and in your head that this relationship might not work out.

Check in with yourself and see how you feel on a daily basis. Are you feeling more secure in the relationship or still just as disturbed? Are you still fighting the urge to check his phone? Are you distrusting of him when he tells you he’s not doing shady shit online?

If the feelings of resentment don’t start to lessen over time you might not be able to salvage this relationship.

It’s better to let it go sooner rather than later.  You chose to love and to trust and it still didn’t work out. That’s OK. You’ll be OK. Just know that you did your best and that’s all you can ever do.