If someone asked you what you were looking for, would you even know?
Are you wasting your time dating the wrong people for the wrong reasons? Are you scared of asking for exactly what you want?
You're not alone. Read on to find out how to be honest about what you want...
It's Damn Hard Being Honest
I struggle every time I'm faced with being 100% honest with someone close to me.
If I need to tell someone I'm dating that I'm no longer interested in them, I struggle.
When I tell a woman that I don't want to date her but still want to have sex with her, I struggle.
I can come up with every reason in the book for why I shouldn't be honest with someone, and every reason comes from a place of fear.
Fear Runs The World, And It Used To Run My Life
What if they don't like my answer? What if they think I'm a big old pervert? What if they get hurt because of what I need to tell them? What if they find out I'm a fraud?
Fear used to run my life. I let fear decide what I would and wouldn't do, and because I was scared of everything, I didn't do much. I didn't live honestly and shied away from difficult conversations.
I didn't speak up for what I wanted, I let fear run my life.
Fear doesn't run my life anymore, because I won't let it, but it's still present in almost everything I do.
The only difference is that I don't let it stop me from doing anything anymore. I acknowledge it, and then I walk through it. And then I'm amazed that I'm always better off for it on the backside.
Wanna Watch a Movie?
Several years ago I went on a great date with a beautiful woman that I'd met through mutual friends.
We had dinner close to my house, and I invited her over for tea afterwards. I don't drink alcohol so I invite people over for tea instead. It's low key and non threatening. Also, women love tea. I mean, I love tea too, but women really loooooove tea.
Over green tea, she asked if I wanted to watch a movie with her. This is what people suggest when they want to get naked but are scared of asking for it and risking rejection.
Unless they really do want to watch a movie but that's unlikely on a first date.
I didn’t want to watch a movie with her. I was more interested in taking her clothes off than cozying on the couch together, awkwardly fondling each other while half watching Finding Nemo.
Instead I said,
Actually. I'd much rather take you to my bedroom, slowly take all your clothes off, and see where this goes...
It was amusing to see her reaction, and track her facial expressions as her mind processed what I'd just said.
First shock. Then surprise. Then amusement. Then excitement.
After what seemed like an eternity she replied, "are you usually this forward?" To which I replied, "only when I know what I want."
You can guess what we ended up doing. I want to say this was an isolated incident but the reality is that it wasn’t.
Be 100% Honest About What You Want
Learn to identify what it is that you want.
Whether it's out of life, out of your career, or out of a particular relationship, there's no shame in wanting something and asking for it.
When you ask for exactly what you want, you're allowing people to decide if they have the same wants.; you're inviting them along for the ride.
Hopefully your needs and wants are aligned. If they're not, great. It's better to know right off the bat.
If you're more interested in sex than something more serious, be honest about it from the get go. If you’re more interested in a relationship than a casual hookup, own it.
It’s completely appropriate to ask your date what they're looking for or why they're dating.
You shouldn’t be afraid to say “Right now I’m more into casual dating and finding a great sex partner than something more serious.” Or similarly “I’m looking for more long term dating rather than casual sex.”
Do It, It's Worth It
Being honest about what you want is still scary. You'll be opening yourself up to judgment and possible rejection. You run the risk of getting hurt, or of someone saying, "No, I don't want that."
Rejection can be hard to handle, but the more it happens the better you'll be at dealing with it.
The bright side is that the more you ask for what you want, the more likely you are to get it.
Every now and then you'll meet someone that looks at you with that twinkke in their eye and says, "Oh yea. I definitely want that too. Let's do it."
And it'll all have been worth it. The fear you walked through, the courage you mustered, the uncertainty of not knowing how they were going to react.
It was all worth it.