What women wish you knew about oral sex

2026 update: I first wrote this guide years ago, and it never stopped being my most-read piece. I just went deep on this with sex educator Amy Baldwin of Shameless Sex on The Love Drive podcast. Watch below or listen on your favorite app, then read on for the five-step guide.

A lot of guys are terrible at eating pussy.

How do I know? Because women have been leaving comments on my social media, and some have told me in person. After going down on them, I’d hear some version of:

“Wow. Most men have no idea what they’re doing. That was refreshing.”

Or,

“Thank you for taking your time.”

Not every time. But often enough to know it’s a problem.

Why are men so bad at it? Usually one of two reasons: they don’t like doing it, or they have no idea what they’re doing. Good news, my dudes (and women who want to get better at this too): both are fixable. Read on.

Not gonna lie, I love eating pussy

I do. I’ve done a lot of it over the years. Sounds vulgar written down, but it is what it is.

If you’ve been sexually active for a couple of decades, odds are you’ve eaten a lot of pussy or sucked a lot of dick — and hopefully you’re good at it by now. I can count on one hand the number of times I haven’t gone down on a partner during sex. That’s good news for my lovers, because women love great oral. Most people love great oral.

But bad oral sex? Nobody wants that.

Life is too short for bad pizza (and bad sex)

They say sex is like pizza — even when it’s bad, it’s still good. I couldn’t disagree more.

Bad oral isn’t “still good.” At best it’s meh; at worst it hurts, gets awkward, and kills the moment. I’d rather stay home with my dog (RIP Roger!) and a good book. And I’m guessing you feel the same.

When it comes to orgasms (and doors), ladies first

Eating pussy is the most efficient way I’ve found to make a woman orgasm — quicker and more reliably than penetration. Most women can’t come from penetration alone; there has to be clitoral stimulation before or during.

I like it when my partners come, and I try to help them get there before I do — because, ahem, my interest in continuing tends to drop off once I finish. So she goes first.

Orgasm isn’t the goal of sex. But it’s a hell of a nice side effect, and the more the merrier.

Alright — five ways to get better at it.

5 easy ways to be great at eating pussy

1. Take your time

Go slow. That means foreplay, and lots of it.

Foreplay turns me on and cranks my partner’s arousal way up. It’s a win-win, because women rarely get enough of it — most guys just stick it in and skip ahead.

Take your time exploring her whole body: her back, her thighs, the backs of her knees, the nape of her neck. Kiss and lick everywhere — except her pussy. Stay away from it as long as you can. Graze the outer lips, brush her bush, but no direct contact for at least twenty minutes.

Hands off the pussy, homie.

It drives her wild, and it reminds you that her pussy isn’t the only erogenous zone. Find five spots that make her crazy and remember them for next time. The slower you go, the more worked up she gets. Once she’s writhing and pushing herself toward your mouth, that’s your green light.

2. Get comfy

Women take longer to reach peak arousal than men do. If you care about her pleasure — and you know penetration alone usually won’t get her there, no matter how great you think your dick is — then you’re settling in for more than five minutes. So get cozy as fuck.

Don’t be scrunched up on all fours or sliding off the edge of the bed. Ask her to scoot up and lie on a diagonal so you can get in between her legs without wrecking your neck. The more comfortable you are, the longer and better you’ll last.

3. Pay attention

Not sure if what you’re doing is working? She’s almost certainly telling you — you just have to read it.

Watch how she moves. Is she rotating her hips in time with you? Pushing into your mouth? Is her skin flushed? Is she moaning? Getting wetter? Grabbing your head and holding it there? Great — keep doing exactly that.

Then notice what changes when you switch things up: speed, pressure, adding a finger, playing with her nipples, some pressure on her mons. Does it ramp her up or cool her down? Did she go quiet when you moved from steady G-spot pressure to sliding in and out? That’s information — use it.

And when you want to try something new — especially somewhere new, like her ass — ask first. “Can I touch you here?” is hot, not a mood-killer. Surprising someone is how you lose the moment and the trust. Consent is the sexy part, not the speed bump.

Watch her face, her chest, her breathing. She’s giving you nearly everything you need. You just have to look for it.

4. Use your words

I’m not a mind reader. Neither are you.

I’ve gotten good at reading the nonverbal stuff, but nothing beats actually talking to your partner while you’re down there. I’ve got techniques that reliably work — but everyone’s different, and what’s perfect for one woman does nothing for another.

Talking about sex during sex is a huge turn-on, and it gets you the exact information you need:

“Does this feel good?”

“Constant pressure on your G-spot, or in-and-out?”

“Circular on your clit, or up and down?”

“Flat of my tongue or the tip? Here, let me try both — tell me which you like.”

Women are turned on by men who can talk about sex during sex. The best way to find out if what you’re doing is working is to ask. Experts don’t guess.

5. Don’t quit before the miracle happens

Women aren’t men. You can’t just hammer away at the clit the way you might go at your own dick.

She takes longer to warm up and longer to come. So settle in, get comfortable, have fun, go slow — and don’t stop until she asks you to.

Often the orgasm is right around the corner, and if you don’t rush it, you’ve got a much better shot at getting her there. And when she says “don’t stop” — do not stop. Don’t change a thing. If your tongue gets sore and your neck cramps up, suck it up and keep going.

Don’t stop until she physically pulls your face off, or says “you can stop now,” or “I’d like you to fuck me now.” Until one of those happens, you’re not going anywhere.

The mistakes women complain about most

It’s not enough to know what to do; here are four things that women frequently complain about. Avoid these, and you’re giving yourself the best chances to help your partner relax into your expert mouth.

Going straight for the clit. It’s not a race, my guy. Direct pressure on an unaroused clit can feel like nothing at best and bad at worst. Warm her up first. See step one.

The jackhammer tongue. Slow is smooth and smooth is fast. More pressure might feel good, but not right off the bat. Work your way up to stronger pressure and speed if that’s something she wants.

Changing what’s working. “Right there” means right there, at that speed, at that pressure, until further notice. Don’t change a thing.

Treating it like the opening act. If she can sense you’re just doing it so you can get to the “real” sex, she can’t relax. Oral is the real sex too. Act like you’ve got nowhere better to be, because you don’t.

If she has a hard time receiving

Plenty of women struggle to enjoy oral, not necessarily because of your technique, but because of those who have come (or not) before you. Or they struggle because they can’t get out of their own head — worrying about how they look, how they taste, how long they’re taking, whether your neck hurts, whether you secretly hate this.

Don’t wait for feedback before you tell her you love it — before, during, unprompted. Tell her that you love her pussy, how it tastes, and that you could do this all day (don’t worry, she won’t ask you to).

If she tries to hurry you along with “you don’t have to,” the magic words are some version of: “I’m exactly where I want to be” or “mind your own business and let me enjoy this.”

And on taste and smell, since everyone worries and nobody asks: healthy vulvas taste like vulvas, not fruit. If something ever seems genuinely off, that’s a conversation about health, not a criticism, and if you want to get comfortable talking about that stuff, start with my episode with nurse practitioner Debbie Barish on how much of sexual health stigma is just misinformation.

The big gun

I’ve learned a lot about pleasing women over the years — especially with my hands and mouth. But the tool I fall back on every time is my words, plus the willingness to listen to what she wants.

The best way to eat pussy is slowly, with no agenda other than her pleasure. If she’s able to come this way (not everyone can) and your skills are on point, you’ll make her day — maybe her week, depending on how many useless pussy-eaters came before you.

Questions I get all the time

Do women like being eaten out?

Most do — a lot. For many women it’s the most reliable road to orgasm, since most can’t come from penetration alone. The women who don’t enjoy it usually got there through bad experiences: guys who rushed, guessed, or treated it like a chore. Enthusiasm changes everything. When you show them you love going down, they can relax and enjoy the experience.

Who’s better at eating pussy — men or women?

Whoever’s paying attention and willing to take their time and tune in. Skill isn’t about gender; it’s about willingness to go slow, watch, and ask. Women may start with an anatomy advantage, but any man who listens catches up fast.

How long should it take?

As long as she needs. If you’re checking a clock, you’ve already lost the plot. Get comfortable, settle in, and don’t quit before the miracle happens. Because really, what’s the rush? You got somewhere better to be?

How do I get better at giving oral?

Practice with feedback. The five steps above are the fundamentals, but your partner is the only expert on her own body — so ask, listen, adjust, repeat. One honest “show me what you like” conversation will teach you more than any article, including this one.

Why doesn’t my partner like receiving oral?

Usually one of two things: bad past experiences (rushed, judged, treated like a chore) or self-consciousness she’s never said out loud. Don’t push. Get curious, go slower than you think necessary, and make it unmistakable that you’re enjoying yourself. If you’re not sure how to even start that conversation, ask me anonymously and I might answer it on the show.

Want more like this?

I went deeper on all of this with sex educator Amy Baldwin — listen to the full episode. And if you want my writing on sex, love, and being a person in your inbox, it’s free: