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How To Stop Seeking Validation From Sex

Validation through sex

My new boyfriend isn’t ready to have sex with me yet; he wants to take things slow.

I'm having a hard time emotionally because I feel unattractive and I’ve always valued myself through sex.

What can I do?

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Join The Club

I do it too. Deep down, I'm a people pleaser. I like it when people like me.

And I can't stand it when people don't.

Which ultimately means I'm using people to make myself feel better. When people like me, I feel good about myself. When people don't like me, I feel bad.

However, the older I get, and the more secure I become in who I am, the less I turn to outside sources of happiness, love, and validation. Which includes looking at sex as a way to feel validated, sexy, and attractive.

Self Love Is An Inside Job

I know this to be true, and yet I still fall into the trap of looking outwardly for love now and then.

Sometimes it comes out in seeking validation through sex, like you. Other times it'll be through dating apps. The more I match, the better I feel.

But it's always a temporary fix, and a weak one at that.

The solution to self-love is never to seek it from an outside source. Self-love comes from within.

So, my dear friend, I have a question for you.

How Can You Make Yourself Feel More Attractive?

Think of anything that you can do yourself, which will make you feel better about yourself. 

  • Do you have a yoga practice that you've wanted to deepen?
  • Do you want to eat healthier and exercise more?
  • Is there a work project that will bring you satisfaction and fulfillment. 
  • Are there activities that used to bring you love that you can pick back up? 
  • Can you spend more time with friends and family who bring you happiness and love? 
  • Can you find other sources of love that aren't romantic or sexual which will bring you love, care, compassion, health, and happiness?

The better I feel, the better I feel about myself, the more attractive I think I am, the more confidence I have. It all comes down to self-love.

Here's a portion of what I do every week to cultivate self-love:

  • Eat a healthy vegetarian diet free of most sugar and animal products.
  • Lift weights three times a week and do yoga once a week.
  • Meditate daily and take daily long walks with my dog.
  • Get at least seven hours of sleep a night.
  • Do work that is both challenging, fulfilling, and brings value to the world.
  • Help people whenever possible.
  • Call at least two friends every day to see how they're doing.
  • Spend time with people who value and respect me.
  • Laugh as much as possible.
  • Read something interesting (in paper format) every day.
  • This is an ideal list. On a good week, I manage to do most of it. On a not so good week, I'm happy if I get through half the list.

This is an ideal list. On a good week, I manage to do most of it. On a not so good week, I'm happy if I get through half the list.

What can you start adding to your self-care routine this week? 

Here are nine more things you can do to make yourself more attractive.

And if that wasn't enough - here are 12 ways to build confidence. 

You Are Enough, Just As You Are

It's common for people to look at outside sources of validation when it comes to feeling loved and attractive. To a certain degree, we all do it.

At the same time, we'd feel better about ourselves if we focused on cultivating a practice of self-love that came from inside.

Brené Brown nailed it in her book Daring Greatly when she said that we often wake up with a feeling that someway, somehow, we're not enough. The day hasn't even started yet, and we're already late to the game.

And I can completely relate. Sometimes I wake up, and the first thought I have is, "fuck."

That's a hard place to start the day from.

She goes on to tell us, however, that we're 100% enough the moment we wake up. We're not late. We didn't fuck up already.

Even if we do nothing that day, we're exactly where we need to be. We're full of love and deserving of the best kind of love that is available. Loved, loving, and loveable. That's a killer combo right there.

Sure it can feel nice to receive attention, and love in the form of sexual contact. It can feel great to have people tell you how attracted they are to you, or how much they love you.

Ultimately though, your self-esteem, your self-worth, and how attractive you feel should come from yourself, not from an outside source.

Because love which comes from within is something, you can count on, day in and day out.

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Shaun Galanos

Shaun Galanos is a love coach and he teaches communication and intimacy tools for better relationships and more love.