Talking about sex can be awkward. We didn't learn it from our roles models, sex ed was a joke, and it's often easier to bumble our way through sex than take the time to learn how to communicate with our partner about sex effectively.
But talking about sex will increase the quality of your sex, the intimacy between you and your partner, and the frequency of awesome satisfying sex.
First things first - get tested
The first move is to get tested, but it's often overlooked in the day of casual hookups and swiping apps.
If you're sexually active, it's a good idea to get screened for STIs every three to six months. The more partners you have, them more often you should get tested.
Knowing your status is sexy and will reduce the likelihood of spreading STIs. Win-win all around.
The first step in talking about sex is learning how to talk about sexual health.
Unfortunately, even this first step is hard to take if you don't have much experience in talking about sex.
But like anything in life, the more you do it, the better you get at it.
The Status Quo Of Not Talking About Sex
It's not your fault you're not great at talking about sex. Your parents weren't the most excellent role models when it came to talking about sex.
And you never got any training in school. Sex ed is all but nonexistent and severely broken, at least in the United States.
I know couples who've been together for years and don't talk about sex.It's all too common, unfortunately. When you get used to not talking about sex, not talking about sex becomes the status quo.
There's a better way. Open and honest communication, especially around sex and love, can become the new status quo.
We're Not Mind Readers
That's right. No one is a mind reader.
People in your life don't know your sexual preferences, just like you don't know theirs.
Everyone is different, and you'll never get to know your partners if you don't get curious about what they love in bed.
Finding out their desires, needs, boundaries, fantasies, and sexual health practices are all part of getting to know your partners.
The more you know, the better you'll be at pleasing them.
Here's your script
Before having sex
I am attracted to you and would like to have sex with you. Before we do that, I'd like to talk about ways to make our sex together both enjoyable and safe for both of us.
I enjoy sex a lot, and I'm so excited about having sex with you. After we made out last night, I went home and thought about you all night.
If you would like to go farther physically with me, I'd love to talk to you about what kinds of things you enjoy, what you might like to try, what boundaries you have, and how we both want to make sure to have safer sex?
Once in a sexual relationship
I love having sex with you. The more I get to know you; the more enjoyable sex has become. Now that we know each other better, I'd love to find out about other things which turn you on, things that you'd like to explore together.
I have this fantasy that I would like to tell you about. I'm a little nervous, so it'd help me to know that you want to hear it and won't laugh at me.
Asking your partner, however casual, what kind of sex they like, and what they're in the mood for, and what their fantasies are will lead to hotter, more connected sex.
Experts Don't Guess
When you have sex with someone without talking about sex with them, you're guessing.
Become an expert in having sex by becoming an expert in talking about sex with your partners. You'll be pleasantly surprised at how much people are willing to talk about sex if you make the first move in bringing it up.
Talking about sex empowers others to talk about sex. That's the goal. Open, honest, and playful communication leads to more fulfilled and intimate relationships.
Oh, and great sex.