What should I do if I can’t get my girlfriend to orgasm?

Dear Love Drive,

What should I do if I can’t get my girlfriend to orgasm?

She never brings it up but I feel like it causes grief for both parties in the bedroom. My manhood is below average, so I’m concerned that that is the problem. How can I help her achieve orgasm?

Below Average Manhood, 27

Hi BAM,

Have you ever seen photos of David’s Michelangelo?

Or of those ancient Greek statues? Ever notice their penises? Pretty small. Smaller than the current average.

Look how tormented this guy is. He can’t tear his eyes away from the small penis.

In Ancient Greece large penises were associated with foolishness, lust, and ugliness. Men with large penises let their sexual drive rule their life whereas men with smaller penises were considered rational, intellectual, and authoritative. Their small penises allowed them to remain coolly logical even when the heat was turned up.

That means that men with small penises are more desirable right? Not quite.

Porn fucked it up for us guys with small to average sized penises

We’re now led to believe that you need AT LEAST 8” of dick to properly get the job done. Porn has twisted our images of what is sexy and what people want. It’s set unrealistic expectations about what we need to get the job done.

Guess what? You don’t need 8” of dick. You have two hands and one mouth and that’s usually more than enough to have fun in bed.

Some women have difficulty reaching orgasm

Everyone has a different orgasmic threshold (the time it takes to reach orgasm). Some reach it quickly and others need more time and attention. This applies to everyone. Not just women.

Shakti Amarantha at Modern Tantra puts it better than I ever could:

If an average woman is totally relaxed and is feeling secure, confident, and loved, AND is fully aroused and receiving the exact best kind of stimulation for her in all her favorite places, AND is experienced with having orgasms, she can normally orgasm in 5-10 minutes at the most. 

But those are under ideal circumstances. Most women don’t orgasm during straight vaginal sex. A lot of studies on American women put it at 70-75% who rarely or never do. So it’s likely that about half of all women simply cannot experience orgasm from purely vaginal sex.

More bad news BAM, but don’t despair

Even if you meet all the requirements for orgasm to occur, it still might not occur. Past traumatic experiences, medical conditions or other factors unknown to us could also explain her inability to orgasm.

But have faith BAM, I will not leave you empty handed.

Ever a fan of lists, I now provide you with actionable steps that you can take to help you and your girlfriend have a fun and fulfilling sex life. She might even achieve orgasm. I count on you to let us know if she does.

6 Steps to helping your female partner reach orgasm

1. Ask her about it

Before you do anything, have a conversation with her about her history with orgasm. Can she reach it while masturbating? Has she had orgasms with previous partners? If she’s had them in the past, how did she get there?

How important is reaching orgasm to her? We place a whole lot of importance on orgasm and forget that sex is about feeling good. Can we have sex without achieving orgasm and still feel good about it? Definitely.

Just having this conversation will show her to you care about her experience in bed. She’ll think it’s hot. Trust me.

2. Level up your communication skill

We’re not mind readers! You won’t know how to please your girlfriend if you don’t talk to her. Learn to communicate about sex before, during, and after sex. Ask her if what you’re doing feels good. Would she like more or less pressure? Faster or slower? Is there something she would rather you be doing? A different kind of touch? A different motion?

Look, talking about sex is awkward. It’s always gonna be awkward because, let’s face it, sex is awkward. But that’s OK. You’ll get better at it. Better at sex and better at talking about it. And there’s nothing better than having awesome communication while having sex.

3. She Comes First

I’m not saying your technique sucks. I’m just saying that this book has revolutionized my sex life, and my approach to giving female pleasure. Everyone can benefit from reading this book.

Watch my review of She Comes First, and then go buy the book. If someone is physically capable of reaching orgasm this book will give you the upper hand in helping them get there.

4. Slow it down

Sex is a marathon not a sprint. You don’t win for getting to the finish line first. Take your time and slow it down. There’s no shortage of ways to give pleasure to a partner. Try to find one new way every time you get naked together.

Not enough time in the day to devote to slow sex? Kill your TV. I gained two hours of free time every night when I stopped watching TV.

5. Have no expectations

Don’t set out to have an orgasm. You’ll be disappointed when you don’t achieve it. Set out have have fun, to learn about each others bodies, to connect meaningfully, to be present with each other, and to create pleasure together. And if an orgasm happens then look at it as a bonus.

6. Be kind and forgiving

To yourselves, and to each other. Don’t take it personally when she doesn’t reach orgasm. Take it as an opportunity to get closer to your partner, and to learn more about her body, and what it takes to make her feel good.

There you go BAM

Some actionable steps that can help you and your girlfriend achieve orgasm. Remember to take it slow, learn along the way, talk to your partner, be kind and gentle, and most of all, have fun. Sex is supposed to be fun. And awkward.

And good. Ain’t nobody got time for bad sex.