Dear Love Drive,
I’m really struggling meeting women in bars. I go out a few times a week with some friends. I’m friendly, respectful, and fun (I think so) but I always get the cold shoulder from women in bars.
Maybe they think I’m looking for one night stands?
What am I doing wrong?
Crusin’ For Love 26, M
I Ask People Where They Meet, They Never Say “In a Bar”
Yet, that’s where people go to look for love. Meeting women in bars has never proven to be an effective strategy for me.
Bars have loud music, seductive ambiance, alcohol as a social lubricant, and beautiful women. You’d think it was the perfect place to find a match made in heaven.
Bars can be a great place to mingle, but too many factors are working against you for it to be the most effective place to make a real connection.
That’s not to say it can’t happen. Every now and then you hear that story of the couple who met in a bar over a sexy Manhattan, but they’re the exception.
It’s never worked for me, but don’t let that stop you from going out and having a good time. Set your expectations low when trying to meet women and it’ll help you to avoid being disappointed when you walk out empty handed.
4 Reasons Meeting Women In Bars Won't Result In Quality Connection
1) It’s Too Fucking Loud
Some flirting happens non verbally. A coy glance here, a double take there, a subtle uncrossing of the legs.
But most flirting happens with the greatest tool we’ve ever been given. Our words and our ability to communicate.
Unfortunately in most bars, the high volume of music and chatter makes understanding the object of your desire difficult.
Too much communication gets lost, mangled, or misread when you can’t effectively hear the other person.
So you talk louder and try to make yourself easier to understand and what could come off as flirting looks a little too much like yelling to be cute or sexy.
2) The Odds Aren’t In Your Favor, At All
The competition is too high. You’re not the only guy who went out with the goal of meeting women in bars.
When you do spot someone cute you’d like to say hi to, there’s a chance she’s been approached several times already that night.
You might have just the right mix of charm, looks, and personality that excite her, but your odds are that she’s tired of being hit on. No matter how good your intentions, or how nice you are there's a great chance your introduction simply won't land.
3. She’s Built Up Walls Higher Than The Great Wall of China (about 26 feet high)
Women get approached and hit on in bars constantly. I get it, guys think it's a good place meet women. But for the most part, ladies getting together in bars are there to do just that. Get together with friends, have a few drinks, and catch up.
After the first few lame pickup attempts, the walls go up. Doesn't matter how nice and well intentioned you are, you're going to get more cold shoulders.
4) Alcohol Destroys Your Chance Of Real Connection
People go to bars to drink alcohol. Alcohol lowers inhibition.
It makes them more flirty, more touchy, and more emotionally expressive than when they haven’t had anything to drink.
It’s great if you’re looking for that special someone in the next couple of hours, and only for a couple of hours.
If you’re looking for something a bit more serious though, connecting with someone while under the influence of alcohol won’t give you an accurate read on their personality.
The gal who might have been extra flirty last night might not feel the same way after she's sobered up. Sad, but true.
Wait. What Are You Saying EXACTLY?
That you shouldn’t be meeting women in bars. Get out of bars and go talk to people in real life. Your odds of making real connections will go up astronomically.
Don’t be scared to walk up to a stranger and start talking to them.
Flirt in cafes, grocery stores, and at the car wash.
Be friendly and smile. Be light and fun.
Need some concrete examples of exactly how to start conversations? OK. Watch these two video sand read the blog post below:
Still want a bit more direction? Get 3 Kickass Conversation Starters that work for walking up and starting a conversation with anyone, anywhere. It's free and short, and more importantly, it works.
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I’ve met the most interesting people in the most mundane situations.
There’s something incredible about connecting with someone while waiting in line for your coffee, or while taking your dog for a walk.
Magic often happens in the mundane, not in a bar.