I’ve fallen in love a few times in my life

More if you count high school. I don’t. Puppy love. I didn’t know what I was doing back then. I still don’t but I’m OK with it now. Everything’s going to be alright. I’m at peace with not knowing. It’s freeing not to know.

My relationships all ended for good reasons. Don’t most relationships end for good reasons? I’ll have to think about that one.

One ended because we were too young

We met in Santa Barbara. She was a year older but a decade more mature. We moved in together right after college and I got scared. It was too much too soon. I wasn’t willing to put the work in, she was.

I wanted to be free.

She came home one day and I broke the news to her. I stayed at a friends that night and never saw her again.

Another because we grew apart

We dated for four years. Early twenties to mid twenties; just babies. We had a ton of fun together.

Until it turned into a lot of conflict. We spent two years in couples counseling trying to work it out. We learned a lot. I dealt with my anger and my alcoholism. We grew closer until we grew apart.

One night we talked about our relationship and it turned into us talking about breaking up. We spent hours reminiscing. We cried and laughed and went to bed holding each other.

That next morning I dropped her off and we didn’t speak for six months. We took time apart so that we could be friends.

Celibacy for one year I’d told myself

Or rather three months until I met her.

We fell in love, hard. I couldn’t help it and I didn’t want to. Love happens when it happens. More so when you’re not looking for it.

This love felt different. Amplified. More electric. Heightened awareness. I was having an extremely visceral reaction to love. I’d felt this before but not to this extent. This was next level love.

We spent some months apart and when I saw her again something had changed. The flutter in my chest was gone. The faucet had been turned off and it wasn’t coming back on. We might have been able to make it work but I wasn’t willing to put the work in. I needed to be alone. I’d never had my year of celibacy.

We broke up two days later.

Three years of celibacy

I started a hostel in Panama and learned Spanish. The following year I spent exploring South America by motorcycle. I stayed single and pondered the notion of ‘the one’. That great love that most of us look for if we haven’t found it already. ‘The one’ doesn’t exist but I don’t know how to talk about it yet.

I spent time reflecting on my past relationships. Every one had surpassed the last in terms of depth and connectedness. Each one more loving and connected then the last.

I’d figured it out. An aha moment. A basic concept for most that was revelatory to me.

A new baseline for future relationships

My next relationship had to feel at least as good as my previous one. This was the new baseline.

Onward and upward was the only acceptable direction when it came to love. Anything that didn’t feel as connected and loving as my past relationship wasn’t going to be a serious relationship. Simple as that. It had to pass the baseline test.

Relationships that don’t pass the baseline test probably won’t develop into something more serious.

It’s either casual sex or Deep Space Nine

I’m unwilling to compromise when it comes to love. ‘Good enough’ is how I feel about some things in life. Some of these blogs posts for example. Pizza. My last workout.

But ‘good enough’ has no room in my love life. Zero.

That’s why I don’t date. I’m 100% unwilling to settle. I’d rather be at home with my dog than out with someone I’m not feeling connected to. Dating for the sake of dating doesn’t work for me anymore. Casual sex doesn’t cut it anymore either. It used to but it stopped working.

I’ve met wonderful people that didn’t pass the baseline test. It wasn’t their fault. It’s no one’s fault. The chemistry we had together wasn’t the kind of chemistry that I look for when developing long term serious relationships.

Isn’t the baseline test sort of extreme?

Yea. It’s supposed to be.

I’m worth it and you’re worth it.

We’re worthy of the best kind of love. Not some bullshit half assed love because we’d rather have some love rather than no love.

In the meantime, let’s just be single. When that badass lover comes around and lights that fire in our hearts we’ll be ready to pounce on it. Roooar (<– Lion roar).

 Shaun Galanos is the The Love Drive. He lives and writes in Montreal.