Get What You Want By Acting Like It

I wanted a girlfriend, so I acted like I wanted one, and it worked. The intention was set.

I met my last girlfriend on OKCupid. We’re not dating anymore but I still love her. I love most of my exes. Somehow I’m able to stay friends with them. No contact for 6 months probably has something to do with it.

I’d been single for about a year at this point and was starting to feel ready for a relationship. Winter was coming, I’d need someone to cuddle with on those cold San Francisco nights.

I set my intention that I was looking for partnership. I ‘put it out to the universe’ or whatever that meant. 

The night we met though, I was cruising OKCupid for sex

I was horny. It happens. Sometimes it’s because I’m looking for escape. Other times I just want to get naked with someone. My libido is unpredictable.

I’d spent about 2 hours online, looking at profiles and sending messages. Sounds like a lot but it’s easy to get lost cruising OKCupid in big cities. The list of potential partners goes on forever.

I was starting to lose hope, and I knew I needed to get up from the computer soon. There’s nothing sadder than spending your entire night looking for sex. I had to do something else so I made plans to attend a yoga class and catch a movie with a friend.

She replied back

She’d be in San Francisco for an art opening later that evening. Did I want to get a drink after?

A quick look at her profile confirmed my suspicions. She was a full time artist. Risky. You know what they say about artists right?

Me neither, I was sort of hoping you’d tell me.

She was cute, and she had a dog

What the hell? Let’s do it. We made plans to meet up after her art opening; she’d call me.

I went to yoga and it took the steam out of my sex obsession. I wasn’t achingly horny anymore which was good.

I’d be able to focus on the movie. Then I’d be present for the date. I wouldn’t be thinking about fucking her the whole time. The date would, hopefully, progress organically and the potential for sex wouldn’t be driving the date.

She called and we agreed to meet up at bar by my house.

I like sitting at the bar

I got there early and grabbed two stools on the short side of the bar, tucked into the dark corner.

Sitting at the bar is great because I can smell test my date. I have this thing with smells; it’s the dog in me. I need to enjoy my partner’s smell. It’s probably a pheromone thing; attraction is a complicated animal. Anyway, I’m upfront about it.

Sitting at the bar is also fun. It allows for more connection; you can comment on things happening in the bar; connection through shared experience. And if it’s appropriate you can brush up against their arm or their leg. Or put your hand on their thigh. I like sitting at the bar.

She looked better in person

You never know with online dating. Do they look like they do in their profile?

Some don’t, most do. It’s OK. I try to not have expectations. That way I’m not disappointed. Easier said than done but I manage about half the time.

I try to remember that a first date is an opportunity to find out 3 interesting things about someone. That’s the goal. Anything above that is bonus.

She was delightfully charming

I was instantly smitten. She looked good in her pictures but she was beautiful in person. And her laugh. The laugh was good.

We got along great. We laughed and made fun of each other. There was a guy playing piano on the other side of the bar. The atmosphere was perfect. We drank soda water for an hour or so. I don’t drink at all and she doesn’t drink often. We didn’t need alcohol to have fun.

I asked her if she wanted to come over to my house for tea. She thought about it and then agreed. I took off on my bike and she followed in her Prius. Of course she drives a Prius.

We made out on the couch

It was fun. We had to be quiet because I was hosting an Airbnb guest in the spare bedroom. It felt like sneaking around my parents house when I was 16. We giggled and drank tea.

When it was time for her to leave, I looked at her and said,

Hey, I like you. I had a nice time with you, and I’d really like to see you again.

It was the truth, so I told her. I didn’t want to play games and I didn’t want to play it cool. I didn’t want to have to wait three days before texting her. The problem with playing games is all the rules you have to remember. I can’t be bothered.

That night I turned my profile off

I was dating online to meet someone, and I had met someone. That was my intention.

Shouldn’t I keep looking in case I find something better? Would the next woman be prettier and smarter? Would our connection be even more intense?

I don’t know and I didn’t want to find out.

The seemingly endless stream of potential partners is what makes online dating so frustrating. There will always be more lovely people to meet, because the world is full of lovely people.

I liked this one and I liked our connection. I wanted to see where it would lead so I quit looking.

We met up for a second date

We took her dog for a walk.

She said she wanted to look at my profile again but found that I had taken it down. She asked me why. I told her.

I’ve been dating online for years. Connections like this don’t happen very often. When I met you I knew I wanted to spend more time getting to know you. I’m happy to just see you and see how it goes.

And that was the truth. A bit heavy for a second date but the great thing about not playing games is you don’t have to remember any rules, other than ‘be honest’. That’s the only rule you need to always remember

I was honest and it was up to her to decide what to do with that information. She was into it; she invited me to spend the night. So much for keeping my clothes on as long as possible. There’s an exception to every rule.

I had set my intention. I wanted a girlfriend

I was dating online to find a partner, so when I found someone who might be that person, I took my profile down. I didn’t keep one eye open for something better.

There was nothing to lose. If it worked out, then it was a good bet. If it didn’t, online dating would always be there waiting for me. I could turn my profile back on anytime I wanted. I didn’t feel the need to keep my options open.

I had set my intentions and it had worked. We went on to date for 6 months.

That’s not terribly long but that’s how it’s been with me lately. The older I get the shorter my relationships get. I’m either getting better at figuring out when a relationship isn’t working or I’m running away from intimacy faster. I’m not sure yet; I’ll let you know when I figure it out.

What are you looking for? Are you acting like it? Are you being honest with yourself and with others about what you’re really after? Try setting the intention. You have nothing to lose.

Shaun Galanos is The Love Drive. He lives and writes in Montreal.

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