It's never too late for a do over. Next time you have sex, make it with someone you really want to have sex with
I haven't had sex since September
6 months. That's a long time for some, not that long for others.
It's long time for me, but I'm not worried about it.
I'm happy today, so I'm not looking to change the way I feel by using sex. Or food, booze, drugs, shopping, or cigarettes.
I used to use these things to change the way I feel, often all at once. It works, until it doesn't.
But today, I'm happy and I'm not looking for casual sex to change the way I feel.
All this could change tomorrow though, it's all contingent on me taking care of my health. That's overall health by the way. Mind, body, soul.
I was supposed to find someone by now
That was the plan.
Move to a city with crazy cold winters, find a sweetheart before the first snow falls, and then cuddle and Netflix the winter away.
Things don't always work out as planned.
Finding a home was harder than I expected. Most apartments don't allow pets. I found one in November, and then got evicted a month later for knocking down a wall. It's a long story, I'll tell you about it someday.
Needless to say, it's hard to meet someone when you're apartment hunting and the temps are dropping rapidly.
It wasn't top of mind anyway
Making sure Roger and I were taken care of was my first priority.
Getting The Love Drive back up and running my second.
Here are the things I needed to do before I could even think of meeting someone:
- Furnish the house
- Find a gym and start using it
- Start cooking again
- Meet some friends and visit my old ones
- Establish a routine
- Get healthcare
- Improve my finances
- Learn to drive in the snow
Sex didn't make the list.
The longer you wait, the harder it is
Ever notice how hard it is to get back into a routine when you've been absent from it for awhile?
Stop going to yoga or the gym for a few weeks and that first class is real hard to get to. It's a lot easier to say ‘tomorrow' than it is to grab those gym shoes and move your body.
Same with ice cream. Once I start eating it, it's almost impossible not to buy a pint every time I go shopping. It becomes a habit, and bad habits are always easier to stick to than good ones.
It's like that with sex too. The longer I go without it, the more accustomed I get to not having it. It doesn't mean I don't want to have sex, just that I'm growing used to not having it.
The new normal
You get used to it. It becomes the new normal. Not having sex is the new normal for me right now.
It's both good and bad.
It lowers the stakes considerably. That's good.
When I meet someone interesting, I'm not immediately thinking about whether we'll have sex, or what I should say to increase my chances.
But, it makes me complacent. That's bad.
The idea of staying in with Roger and a book sounds more comfortable than going out and meeting someone new. A little self care is good. Avoiding meeting new people, bad.
It's OK though, spring is coming and I'm starting to thaw. I can feel the sun already.
I wanna like casual sex more than I do
I love the idea of casual sex but the reality just doesn't live up to the hype.
The juice wasn't worth the squeeze.
That's a figure of speech. It's one of my favorites. In this case it means the effort required for casual sex doesn't produce satisfactory results. Lotta squeeze, not a lotta juice.
I'm often left wanting more from casual sex. More what? Intimacy probably. Vulnerability. Authenticity. Connection.
Casual sex doesn't give it to me. It's not worth it for me anymore, maybe worth it for you.
So what do I do now? How do I find someone that is worth the squeeze?
I'll never forget what she said
I talked to a friend years ago about casual sex not working anymore. This is what she said,
Lose your virginity again. Next time you wanna have sex, make sure it's with someone you would lose your virginity to.
I lost my virginity to a girl named Christine when I was 15. I lasted two minutes, and the next day she told the whole school that I had a tan penis.
They called me ‘tan dick' for months. I'd always wanted a nickname, but this wasn't what I had in mind.
I could use a do-over.
Next time you have sex, lose your virginity again
I could use a do over and I'm sure some of you can too. Most of us didn't have a fairy tale first time. Some did it hastily, others were pressured into it. Some don't remember it and others wish they could forget it.
There's no reason we can't have another first time. So what if our new first time is 10, 20, or 30 years down the road?
I'm going to lose my virginity again, with someone that I'm excited about. I probably won't rush into it, because I'll always remember what my English teacher in college told me. The longer you keep your clothes on, the higher the ceiling. I never really understood what he meant, but this is what I think he meant.
Looks like I'll be raising the ceiling, and stakes a little bit the next time I have sex, and that's OK.
I want the juice to be worth the squeeze.