6 years ago

How To Ask For Exactly What You Want

what you want

If someone asked you what you were looking for, would you even know?

Are you wasting your time dating the wrong people for the wrong reasons?

Are you scared of asking for exactly what you want?

You're not alone. 

It's damn hard being honest

I used to struggle every time I had to be 100% honest with someone close to me. If I needed to tell someone I was dating that I was no longer interested, I squirmed.

When I told someone that I didn't want to date but still wanted to have sex, I freaked out.

I came up with every reason in the book for why I shouldn't be honest with someone, and every reason came from a place of fear.

Don't let fear run your world

What if they didn't like my answer? What if they called me a pervert? What if they got hurt because of what I told them? 

Fear used to run my life. I used to let fear decide what I would and wouldn't do, and because I was scared of everything, I didn't do much.

I didn't live honestly and shied away from difficult conversations.

I didn't speak up for what I wanted; I let fear run my life.

Fear doesn't run my life anymore because I won't let it, but it's still present in almost everything I do.

The only difference is that I don't let it stop me from doing anything anymore. I acknowledge it, and then I walk through it. And then I'm amazed that I'm always better off for it.

Wanna watch a movie?

Several years ago, I went on a great date with a beautiful woman that I'd met through mutual friends. 

We had dinner close to my house, and I invited her over for tea afterward.

I don't drink alcohol, so I invite people over for tea instead. It's low key and non-threatening. 

Over green tea, she asked if I wanted to watch a movie. It's what people do when they want to get naked but are too scared to ask for it. They're afraid of rejection or of misreading the situation. 

Unless they do want to watch a movie, but that's unlikely on a first date. Watching a movie is a terrible first date idea.  

I didn't want to watch a movie with her. I was more interested in taking her clothes off. I didn't want to cozy up on the couch, awkwardly fondling each other while half-watching Finding Nemo. 

Instead, I said,

Actually. I'd much rather take you to my bedroom, slowly take all your clothes off, and see where this goes.

It was amusing to see her reaction and track her facial expressions as her mind processed what I'd just said. 

Her face went from shock to surprise and finally settled on amusement. 

After what seemed like an eternity, she replied, "are you usually this forward?"

To which I replied, "only when I know what I want."

Be 100% honest about what you want

Learn to identify what you want. How can you ask for it if you don't know what it is?

Examine your life, your career, your relationships, and your heart and get clear on what you want. 

When you ask for exactly what you want, you're allowing people to decide if they have the same wants; you're inviting them along for the ride.

Hopefully, your needs and wants are aligned. If they're not, great, it's better to know right off the bat.

If you're more interested in sex than something more serious, be honest about it from the get-go. If you're more interested in a relationship than a casual hookup, own it.

It's entirely appropriate to ask your date what they're looking for or why they're dating.

You shouldn't be afraid to say, "Right now, I'm more into casual dating and finding a great sex partner than something more serious." Or similarly, "I'm looking for more long term dating rather than casual sex."

Do it; it's worth it

Being honest about what you want is still scary. You'll be opening yourself up to judgment and possible rejection. You run the risk of getting hurt or of someone saying, "No, I don't want that."

Rejection can be hard to handle, but the more it happens, the better you'll be at dealing with it. 

The bright side is that the more you ask for what you want, the more likely you are to get it. 

Now and then, you'll meet someone that looks at you with that twinkle in their eye and says, "Oh yea. I want that too. Let's do it."

And it'll all have been worth it. The fear you walked through, the courage you mustered, the uncertainty of not knowing how they were going to react.

It was all worth it. 

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Shaun Galanos

Shaun Galanos is a love coach and he teaches communication and intimacy tools for better relationships and more love.