Dear Love Drive,
I’m recently single and it seems like every guy coming out of the woodworks just wants sex.
Including this guy I just met. He’s super hot but he still lives with his ex.
He reached out to me a couple months ago asking if I’d like to go on a date. I told him no since I still lived with my ex and maybe in a month or two I would be ready. A month later he asked me to have coffee with him and I did, and we had fun.
The week after our coffee date he asked me to come over to his friends house to ‘watch movies’. His friend wasn’t going to be there. I turned him down.
Now he wants to know when he can come over to my new place.
I am so new at this dating thing. I feel dumb. My gut tells me to stay away.
I’m gonna be 40 soon and I feel like I am getting to old for this crap!
Single Again, W, 39
P.S. How do you hook up with people and not get attached?
I can’t see the forest for all the red flags
Your gut is right. Trust your gut.
Doesn’t matter how hot someone is, if they’re still living with their ex, they’re unavailable. Broken up or not, living with an ex is a huge red flag that someone is completely unavailable.
Unavailable people are off limits because they often just bring pain and disappointment. Dating them makes me crazy and I won’t do it anymore.
Inviting someone over to ‘watch movies’ is for kids
You’re too old for this shit. We’re all too old for this shit.
When he’s inviting you over to ‘watch movies’ he’s probably inviting you over to snuggle up with you on the couch and rub up on you.
There’s nothing wrong with snuggling up and rubbing up on you, as long as it’s not disguised as something it’s not. An invite to watch a movie is rarely an invite to actually watch a movie. It’s a lazy way of asking you to come over and make out/have sex.
A woman asked me to watch a movie once and I told her I’d rather just take her clothes off. You can guess what we did.
This is a much more powerful invitation,
Hey I’m house sitting and this place has an awesome view of the city. Wanna come over for tea/drinks/dinner?
**That being said – it is possible to invite someone over to watch a movie. I’ve done it before but I’m explicit about it, like so,
Wanna come over and watch that movie we talked about? I know it sounds like an excuse to snuggle up on the couch with you, but that’s just an added bonus. I think you’ll really like it and I’m excited to watch it with you.
Honest. Up front. It gives them all the information they need.
Being newly single is hard
It’s a hard transition. Finding yourself single after years of partnership can be confusing, lonely, and difficult. Your friend group might have changed, you’re probably living in a new part of town, and relearning to do things alone you used to do with your partner.
The adjustment period can be really challenging. It’s tempting to jump back into dating to feel some of that connection you were used to feeling with your partner.
Take your time, there’s no rush. Enjoy being single.
Do things you wanted to do but didn’t have time to do because you were busy with your partner. Take that dance class. Go on that road trip. Join that weird clown troupe. Whatever.
Have fun with your new freedom.
It’s OK to feel dumb at dating
You’re out practice. That’s normal.
Dating is a skill like anything else. The more you do it, the better you’ll be at it.
When you’re ready to get back into, ease into it slowly. And listen to your gut.
You’ll get your needs met soon enough.
Speaking of needs
How do you have sex without getting attached?
Carefully, and with no expectations that you won’t get attached.
Some people can have sex and not get attached. Good for them. Others just can’t seem to break that genital-heart connection.
If you’re more prone to falling for someone after having sex with them, know that you probably can’t hook up without getting attached, and that’s perfectly fine.
You’re too old to date people that aren’t honest with their communication and unavailable but you’re not too old to slowly get back into dating and have fun with it.