My mom said this one thing every time we spoke on the phone that scared me into always using a condom
I was 20 years old, still living at home, and desperate to leave.
I drove up to my parents house and remember seeing my mother outside waiting for me. She was crying and holding a large envelope. I knew exactly what she was holding, I’d been waiting to hear back for weeks.
I wasn’t a good student, but I’d gotten accepted to the University of California at Santa Barbara. The local community college had a transfer agreement with some California universities. Fulfill a certain amount of classes with at least a 2.4 GPA and you’re almost guaranteed a transfer.
They were right. I got a 2.4 GPA and I’d gotten into university. Just barely.
So I moved away to college, and what can I say, it was fun.
But let’s talk about Kyle for a minute
My older brother had a friend in college named Kyle. Kyle had a rough upbringing but his life was looking up; he was planning on practicing law.
Until his girlfriend of two months got pregnant because they hadn’t used a condom and she wasn’t on birth control. They didn’t love each other but she had the child and Kyle supported her and the baby.
Kyle loved his child but his relationship with his girlfriend was toxic.
Somehow they ended up having two more kids together before she left him for another man. I don’t think he ever practiced law and his life fell apart even more than it already was.
It’s a common story, it happens all the time. Substitute Kyle with someone you went to high school with and the story probably still holds up.
I’m not sure why he chose to not wear a condom but I have to assume it’s because sex without a condom just feels so good.
We all know that having condom-less sex feel amazing.
That’s what makes using a condom so difficult sometimes, intercourse feels so much juicier and sexier without one. There’s also a closeness that you experience when having intercourse without a condom.
But probably no where near the closeness you’ll experience by having an unplanned child with your girlfriend of two months.
During college my mom and I spoke on the phone every other week or so.
She’d fill me in on what home improvement project she was working and I’d tell her about college life, omitting how many mornings I was hungover and how close I was to failing some really basic classes. I was a terrible student.
Every time we got off the phone, my mom would say the same thing right before hanging up. The conversation always ended like this:
Mom: OK I’ll talk to you later, I love you.
Me: I love you too mom, see ya.
Mom: OK bye……..[whisper] Kyle. [/whisper]
My mom would always whisper “Kyle” into the phone right before hanging up. It made me smile, but it also made me think, and it worked.
I used condoms religiously because I was terrified of getting anyone pregnant. I didn’t want to end up like Kyle.
The pizza of sex
Sex with a condom is sort of like pizza. No matter how bad it is, it’s still pretty good.
I’ll chose intercourse with a condom over no intercourse any day. It’s a no brainer. I’m a little pickier about pizza however.
I’m still shocked and surprised when a woman I want to have sex with, also wants to have sex with me. I’m so over the fucking moon that I’ll wear a full body condom if I have to (thank goodness, I haven’t had to, yet).
But what about when your partner says it’s OK to not wear a condom? What if that sexy as fuck one night stand tells you that she’s on birth control, or that she can’t get pregnant right now because of where she is in her cycle? Or that it’s OK to pullout?
Me. Not her, or him, or them. Me.
I’m responsible for protecting myself and my partners.
It’s up to me to make sure that I don’t accidentally get anyone pregnant. Unless I’m having sex with a regular partner and we’ve discussed other methods of birth control, I’m going to (almost) always use a condom.
I’m responsible to talk to my partners about my sexual health and history, and to give them space to talk to me about theirs.
Condoms aren’t 100% effective at protecting against sexually transmitted infections, or pregnancies.
It’s up to me fully disclose my health status with my potential sexual partners, and it’s also up to me to find out as much as I can about my partners before deciding whether to have sex with them.
We need all the information so that we can both make a fully informed decision regarding if and what kind of sex we’re going to be engaging in.
Also, it’s not a bad idea to discuss what to do if there’s an unplanned pregnancy. I should do this more.
I’m responsible for my actions
All of them.
If I choose to have sex without a condom, then I’m responsible for the consequences of that choice. I’m even responsible if the condom fails. Doesn’t happen often but it has, and it does. I can’t assume that my partner is going to want the same thing I do, and that’s OK.
Yea. Let’s be honest, we’re humans here.
I can count on my hands the number of times in my life when I’ve had casual intercourse with a woman and not used a condom.
I took a calculated risk in each of those cases to not use a condom, and luckily I never got an STI and none of my partners got pregnant. But if they had, I would’ve accepted the consequences of my actions. There’s no other option, because I’m responsible now.
Thinking about having sex without a condom because it feels so good? You’re right. It does. It’s so good.
But just remember,
I love you. [whisper] Kyle [whisper]
Shaun Galanos is The Love Drive. He lives and write in Montreal.
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