10 months ago

How To Be Honest About Your Relationship Goals

Dear Love Drive,

I just got out of a long term relationship. I'm not looking to get back into one right away.

I just want to date and have fun.

What do you think about going on dates with pretty girls and flirting with them? Making out? Sex?

Should I be upfront about what I'm looking for, or is that too forward/weird?

Just The Tip, M, 33

You just got out of a long term relationship and you're not ready to jump back into one

I completely understand.

Several years ago I jumped into a relationship after having just gotten out of one. I couldn't help it, I fell madly in love with her (though looking back who knows if it was love or lust).

It didn't last because underneath it all, I really wanted to be single.

I didn't want to put in the work that a long term committed relationship entailed. I was tired of working and I wanted to have fun.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

It sounds like you know what you want

That's awesome. It's great to know what you want.

A lot of folks either don't know what they want or are scared of being honest about what they want.

Some people want sex but pretend they want more than sex because they think that's the best way of getting sex.

Others want a more committed relationship but pretend they just want sex so as to not scare the other person away.

They think if they're honest about their desires there's a chance they won't get what they want.

They're not wrong.

That's the risk about being honest

Whenever you're honest about what you want, you risk someone saying,

Oh. I don't want that. No thank you.

And that can feel a lot like rejection. Because in a way, it is. But it's also someone just communicating their preference with you.

You prefer something a bit more casual right now and they prefer something a bit more long term. You simply have different preferences, and there's nothing weird about that.

If you look at it this way, it takes a lot of the sting out of potential rejection.

Also, the more rejection you experience, the better you are at dealing with it. It's like anything, the more you do it, the better you get at it.

The benefits outweigh the risks


Being honest kills any potential to play games. I'm not good at playing games, I always forget the rules.

Being honest allows people to be honest with me. Sort of like when I'm honest about my sexual health, it allows other people to be honest too.

Being honest increases my chances of getting what I want. Once, a woman on our first date asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. I told her I'd rather take her clothes off.

We didn't watch a movie that night.

There's a good time to bring it up

And it's usually somewhere in the first date when you're getting to know each other.

So. What are you looking for in dating?

It's that simple.

It's only awkward if you make it awkward. Either she asks you, or you ask her. Then you take turns answering.

Oh! I just got out of a long term relationship not too long ago and I'm interested in casual dating right now. I hope that's not too forward!

Either she's into it, or she's not.

You won't find out unless you're upfront about your desires.

We want to be honest, and allow people to have as much information as possible so they can make an informed decision about what they'd like to do.

Sometimes they'll want what you want, other times they won't.

You win some, you lose some. That's a sports quote I think.

So you want to flirt with pretty girls and maybe have sex with them?

That's pretty fucking cool.

I bet there are some women who also want to flirt with you and maybe have sex with you. Go find them and be upfront with them.

It's not too forward and it's not weird, it's the right thing to do.

Bold Enough To Share?

Shaun Galanos

Shaun Galanos is The Love Drive. He believes we all deserve love and works to help men (and women) develop more intimate relationships through honest and playful communication. He lives, writes, and makes videos in Montreal.

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