a few months ago

Why Do I Have Trouble Sleeping With Someone After Sex?

trouble sleeping

I’m a healthy male and I have trouble sleeping, or falling asleep with a woman in bed with me. I’ll toss and turn for hours. I first noticed this when I would have one night stands or after sex on the first date, but now I’m in a relationship and I still don’t sleep well with her.

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I'm like you my friend.

Whenever I fall asleep with someone for the first time, I have a hard time falling asleep. I toss, I turn. But I try not to toss or turn too much.

I don't want to bother and prevent my new bed buddy to fall asleep as well. 

Is There A Complete Stranger In Your Bed?

There's no research on this that I could find, but I'm pretty damn sure that LOTS of ​suffer from the inability to fall asleep with a one night stand, or a new partner. 

It probably has something to do with the fact that you're inviting a total stranger to lay in bed next to you for 8 hours.

It's probably a self preservation mechanism

Maybe your body subconsciously doesn't trust this stranger and is preventing you from falling asleep so that when they try to strangle you in your sleep, you can fight back.

I know, kinda grim, but there's probably some truth to it. 

Sleeping Together Is Intimate And You Have No Intimacy

Sure, you might have just had sex, which in of itself can be pretty intimate, but​ the fact remains that sleeping next to someone is pretty damn intimate. 

Intimacy isn't something you force. It's something that's developed over time​. 

And since your brand new partner​ is basically a total stranger, you haven't developed any intimacy yet. 

We need to feel safe to fall asleep, that's how it works. We're preparing to go into a voluntary coma for 6-8 hours and safety is paramount to being able to fall asleep quickly. 

When you're inviting a new person to sleep over, you don't quite feel safe enough yet to fully relax into your sleep.

Which explains why you're having trouble sleeping.

What Should You Do About Your Current Partner?

The reasons above might explain why you have trouble sleeping with a new person, but it doesn't explain why you're having trouble sleeping with your current girlfriend. 

Trouble Sleeping

Presumably you've developed a level of intimacy with your girlfriend where you're comfortable around her, and your subconscious knows that she won't try to smoother you in your sleep. 

I suspect that maybe you're drawing a parallel between ​having trouble falling asleep with one night stands and your current girlfriend.

Maybe you're simply incompatible as sleep partners. 

She hogs the blankets and runs cold. You run hot and keep tossing and turning. She's a cuddler and you're not.

Whatever the case may be, perhaps you're not the most compatible couple sleep wise. If you think that's the case, here's a great article that might help you figure out how to get better sleep with your partner. 

A Tip For The One Night Stand People Out There

If you want to avoid having trouble sleeping with a new partner, just don't do it.

Be clear that sleeping over is not an option. But don't spring it on them after a late night of satisfying casual sex. 

Be honest about it, and set expectations upfront before having sex that sleeping over isn't an option. 

Before we do anything, I just want to let you know that I have a really hard time falling asleep with a new partner.

I'm not assuming that you even want to spend the night, but I really value my sleep and if we sleep together tonight, I won't have any. 

Also, prioritizing quality over quantity in your casual sex partners will probably make it easier to fall asleep.

Here's what I do to figure out if I'm really interested in someone rather than simply interested in having sex with them.

It's hard to tell sometime, sexual arousal can be a very powerful motivator. 

How To Only Sleep With Awesome People

Remember, we all need good quality sleep. The older I get, the less I'm willing to compromise on that. I'm careful about who I sleep next to now, and it's certainly served me well. 

When we're well rested we're better able to tackle the day, we interact better with the world, and we have more satisfying loving relationships.

I'm useless after a nights bad sleep so I make sure to maximize the quality, and quantity of sleep.

That reminds me, it's nap time. ​

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Shaun Galanos

Shaun Galanos is The Love Drive. He believes we all deserve love and works to help men (and women) develop more intimate relationships through honest and playful communication.

He lives, writes, and makes videos in Montreal.

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