Talking about sex can be awkward. We never learned from our roles models, sex ed was a joke, and it’s often easier to bumble our way through sex than take the time to learn how to effectively communicate with our partner about sex.
But talking about sex will absolutely increase the quality of your sex, the intimacy between you and your partner, and the frequency of awesome satisfying sex.
What's The Secret To Satisfying Sex?
I gave free love advice this weekend in Montreal.
I was approached by two 19 year olds who wanted some advice about how to have awesome sex together. They hadn’t had it yet, but were planning on it and wanted to make sure it was as good as possible
My heart swelled at the scene.
Two teenagers wanting to have sex, but also looking at ways to make sure that it wasn’t just sex, but good sex they could both enjoy.
I’m starting to feel hopeful for young people everywhere.
Get Tested First and Practice Safe Sex
This is the obvious first move, but one that’s often overlooked in this day of casual hookups and swiping apps.
Ideally if you’re sexually active it’s a good idea to get screened for STIs every 6 month. Not only will you know your status which is sexy but you’ll also be reducing the potential spread of STIs but finding out sooner rather than later if you do have an STI.
The first step in talking about sex is learning how to talk about sexual health. Unfortunately, even this first step is hard to take if you don’t have much experience in talking about sex.
But like anything in life, the more you do it, the better you get at it.
The Status Quo Of Not Talking About Sex
It’s not our fault we’re not great at talking about sex. Our parents weren’t the greatest role models when it came to talking about sex. With themselves, or with each other.
And we never got any training in school. Sex ed is all but non existent and severely broken, at least in the United States.
I know couples who’ve been together for years and don’t talk about sex. It’s all too common unfortunately.
Who am I kidding, I’ve been in relationships like that before.
The sex was good, but it could have been so much better. We got used to not talking about sex, and so not talking about sex became the status quo.
But these teens wanted to do it differently.
They were asking for help from the get go and somehow knew that communication was the key to a satisfying and fulfilling sex life.
I’m desperately hoping that open and honest communication, especially around sex and love, becomes the new status quo.
We’re Not Mind Readers
That’s right. No one is a mind reader.
New people in my life don’t know that I prefer oral sex to start off slow and gentle because my frenulum (the little bit of skin where foreskin and underside of penis head meet!) is sensitive, and being too rough at first hurts.
Just like I don’t know that a new person I might be sleeping with really dislikes having fingers inserted into her pussy until she’s more aroused or that she strongly prefers to have penetrative sex before oral sex because oral sex is too intimate.
Whatever the preference, I won’t know any of it if I don’t talk about it.
Everyone is different, and we’ll never get to know our partners if we don’t make an effort to get to know our partner.
Finding out their desires, their needs, their boundaries, their fantasies, and their sexual health practices is all part of getting to know your partners. The more you know, the better you’ll be at bringing them pleasure.
So HOW exactly do we bring all this up?
How To Initiate Conversation About Sex With Your Partner
Here are a few examples to get the conversation going.
These come straight from the American Sexual Health Associations website, which is CHOCK FULL of pretty much everything you could ever want to know about sex. Click the link, you'll be glad you did.
How To Bring Up Talking About Sex
Tip: It can be hard to talk to a partner about sex, especially if you have never has a conversation about sex before. Be as straight-forward, confident, and honest as you can be. Here are some ways you might start a conversation:
- “I am really attracted to you and would like to have sex with you. Before we do that I’d like to talk about ways to make our sex together both enjoyable and safe for both of us.”
- “I enjoy sex a lot and am so excited about having sex with you. After we made out last night I went home and thought about you all night. If you would like to go farther physically with me, I’d love to talk to you about what kinds of things you enjoy, what you might like to try, what boundaries you have, and how we both want to make sure to have safer sex?”
- (Once in a sexual relationship) “I absolutely love having sex with you. The more I get to know you the more enjoyable sex has become. Now that we know each other better I’d love to find out about other things which turn you on, things that you’d like to explore together.”
- “I have this fantasy that I would like to tell you about. I’m a little nervous, so it’d help me to know that you want to hear it and won’t laugh at me.”
Asking your partner, however casual, what kind of sex they like, and what they’re in the mood for, and what their fantasies are will absolutely lead to hotter more connected sex.
Experts Don’t Guess
Remember, experts don’t guess.
And guessing is exactly what you’re doing when you’re having sex with someone but not talking about sex with them.
Become an expert in having sex by becoming an expert in talking about sex with your partners. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much people are willing to talk about sex if you make the first move in bringing it up.
Whenever you show courage by being the first person to bring up talking about sex, you empower others to talk about sex as well. And that’s the goal. Open, honest, and playful communication leading to more fulfilled and intimate relationship.
Oh, and really fucking great sex.