Ending new relationships can be tricky. You’ve been on a few dates and you already know it’s not going to work. The chemistry isn’t there, or the values don’t line up.
Whatever the reason, it’s tempting to start slow fading her, taking longer and longer to reply to texts, and rescheduling dates until she eventually stops calling.
Here’s why it’s a toxic practice, and what you can do instead when you're losing interest in your new relationship.
It's Better to Burn out Than to Fade Away
Neil Young said it best. He was probably referring to Rock and Roll but he might as well have been talking about the heart.
I get it, I really do. It's a tempting strategy.
Slowly fade away by taking longer and longer to reply to text messages, not answering the phone when she calls, and hoping that she'll eventually get the idea that you're no longer interested.
Don't worry. She'll get the idea eventually. She'll also get the idea that you're a coward who's afraid of being honest, and she'll be right.
Either It Goes Somewhere, or It Doesn't
When you date someone it either goes somewhere or it doesn't. More often than not, it doesn't go anywhere, and that's fine. You can't hit it off with everyone and you wouldn't want too, sounds exhausting!
When it doesn't go anywhere, it's probably because the chemistry wasn't there, the ardor faded, or someone more interesting came along. It's normal. Relationships end all the time for a plethora of reasons.
As soon as you know it's not going anywhere, it's your responsibility to tell her (or him, or them).
If only it wasn't so difficult to pick up the phone and be honest about it. If only there was a way of ending relationships with honesty, tact, grace, and love.
Oh wait, there is. We'll get to that soon.
How Is It Different Than Ghosting?
Ghosting is breaking up with someone without telling them. It's an abrupt cut off of all communication with a refusal to reply and reengage with someone, often after sex has happened.
It's a terribly shitty thing to do to someone.
Which one is worse? Dunno, they both suck and they both show an inability to be honest with someone that deserves 100% honesty.
Here's an easy no brainer list of why you shouldn't slow fade the new person you're dating.
4 Reasons Not To Slow Fade Your New Relationship
1. You have no idea how they're going to feel
People Slow Fade because they're afraid of being honest with the other person. They think that telling them they're no longer interested will hurt the other person's feelings.
It's incredibly presumptuous to know how someone is going to feel or react once you tell them you're no longer interested. You might have a feeling that you know, but you never really know.
Perhaps they've also lost interest and were planning on bringing it up, or having just as hard a time bringing it up.
Unless someone tells you how they're feeling, don't assume that you know how they're feeling.
2. You're burning a bridge
Just because you're not feeling your romantic relationship, doesn't mean you need to fully cut off the relationship.
When you slow fade, you block yourself from transitioning to a different kind of relationship. I'm friends with several women I've slept with and I value those relationships tremendously.
Also, you can bet your ass you're going to run into them at the most inopportune time and you'll have wished so badly that you hadn't slow faded them.
3. It's childish
Being an adult means having difficult adult conversations.
If you were adult enough to ask them out, and adult enough to take their clothes off, and have grown up adult sex with them, then you're adult enough to pick up the phone or tell them in person that your feelings have changed.
It really is that simple, I promise you.
4. You're blowing your chance at future sex
That's right. Future sex!
Sex in the future, with someone you've already had sex with, is totally a thing!
Just because you're not feeling them now doesn't mean you won't in the future. Imagine bumping into her and her hot friend at a bar. That's right, possible threesome scenario alert, that is, unless you slow faded hr and she tosses her drink in your face. Ooops!
It's Never Easy, Rarely Feels Good, But Always Worth It
Ending a relationship is never easy, rarely feels good, and isn't anything I ever look forward to.
Like anything in life though, the more you do it the better you'll be at it. With some practice, it does get less awkward.
Here are some pointers that will make letting someone know you're no longer interested easier.
- Never do it over text unless you haven't had sex yet. If she's seen your private bits then you owe her a phone call.
- Don't make it about them, it's not their fault you're no longer interested.
- Keep the focus on yourself. It's not them, it's definitely you.
- Be kind, gentle, polite, and honest.
So what does that look like?
"I've had a really nice time connecting with you and I think you're lovely, and the connection we have isn't the connection I'm looking for."
It's short, it's honest, and it's effective.
It send a clear message that you're no longer romantically or sexually interested in them. It's better to rip the band aid off quickly than to peel it away over the course of weeks. The silver lining to this whole awkward and potentially difficult conversation is that you'll absolutely get relief immediately and won't have to keep spending brain power on this relationship.
Oh, and it's totally the right thing to do. 100%.
Do you owe anyone a phone call? Do it today. You owe it to her.