We've all found ourselves on the heel of a breakup. Hurting, sad, and lonely. It can be dark and sad times for the newly rejected.
And then the thought creeps in. Wouldn't a little rebound sex make it all better? It might, IF you follow these 5 steps to having killer, shame-free rebound sex...
Why, Hello There
Nothing can fuck you up harder than a bad break up. Losing a job, getting evicted, or getting rejected from grad school pale in comparison to the feeling of getting your heart ripped out and stomped on.
It seems like nothing can make the pain go away. Only time will heal this wound.
But life goes on and after a little while, I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And in that wonderful glorious light, I see women. Lovely women that are decidedly NOT my ex girlfriend and have NOT stomped on my heart, yet.
When I see that light, my sex drive goes into hyperdrive. I start fantasizing about all the people I could be having sex with.
I make a rebound sex list that includes every single ex girlfriend (except for the most recent one), most baristas within a ten block radius of my house (I have a thing for baristas), friends I've had crushes on, and everyone on OKCupid that's interested in casual sex.
Can Rebound Sex Really Help?
It depends. How fresh is the break up?
Are you still crying yourself to sleep every night?
Or are you hearing the birds chirp and watching people kiss on the street, without sending them death wishes?
If it's the latter, you might be ready for a little rebound sex. It certainly has the power to take your mind off your recent breakup. And it can show you that there are other wonderful lovely people out there that are not your ex.
But be careful, you're still fragile.
Let The Dust Settle First
If you're still balling your eyes out every night and cursing the day your ex was born, you might still want to take some "you" time.
When you engage in sex, however casual, you're bringing someone into the fold of your life, however briefly. If that fold is particularly messy and full of old photos of your ex scattered around your bed, you probably want to spare them the awkwardness.
While rebound sex might make you feel better in the short term, if you're not quite ready for it, it could do more damage than good. Take a breather for a bit and know that deep down, rebound sex is right around the corner for you.
What Purpose Does It Serve?
Breakups can have a pretty shattering effect on our self confidence. Rebound sex can help give a boost to that missing confidence.
When someone says yes to sex with you, they're giving you validation. We can use all the validation we can get at this point.
After a breakup I often have a hard time picturing myself with another woman.
I think the ex was the one for me, and rebound sex might just be the eye opening experience I need to remember that the world is large and we are numerous.
But, What If It Sucks?
Yea, well. That's the risk you take when you have sex with a new partner. It's like the first pancake you make, it's never as good as the following pancakes, but it's still a pancake.
Just don't compare it to sex with your ex girlfriend and you'll be fine.
Can you have fulfilling casual sex with a new partner even though you're still somewhat grieving a past relationship?
Will rebound sex after a breakup ultimately leave you worse for the wear and wishing you was back with your ex?
You can navigating rebound sex with an honest and playful approach that will leave a pleasant aftertaste behind. Following these 5 simple steps can help.
1. Be honest with yourself
If you can't sleep, eat, or get out of bed because you're still devastated about your ex, you're not ready. Take the time to really heal. Jumping back in before you're ready could prolong the healing process.
The best thing you can do in this situation is surround yourself with friends, family, healthy food, exercise, and self care. I know, boring, but don't worry, you'll be having rebound sex in no time.
2. Be honest with your partner
Tell them where you're at, and what your intentions are before you have sex. You'll have a better chance of finding someone who wants what you want, and you'll avoid disappointing anyone or leading them on.
"I just got out of a relationship last month and while I'm not completely over my ex, I'm really attracted to you and would love to have sex, if you're up for it"
"I'm still getting over a breakup but it's been a few months and I'm really enjoying my time with you. I'm not available for anything more than sex right now but if that works for you, great."
Give your potential partner all the information you have and let them make the decision as to whether or not they want to have rebound sex with you.
3. Stop if it starts to feel weird
It's OK for your feelings to change halfway through sex. Feelings change, that's what they do.
If having rebound sex makes you feel sad, disconnected, hurt, or just plain weird, stop.
Tell your partner what's happening.
"I'm sorry, I have to stop. I'm not feeling as good about this as I thought I would be. I want to be present with you and right now I'm not feeling present."
"I'm sorry, I have to stop. This is bringing up some uncomfortable feelings."
Trust me, your partner will be glad you spoke up and will appreciate your honesty.
4. Do it for the right reasons
Have rebound sex because you want to feel good and wanted. Or because you're excited to connect with someone new.
Don't have sex with your ex's best friend to get back at them. Having sex to spite someone is never a good reason to have sex with anyone.
5. Be safe
I know, the condom-less sex you were probably having with your ex was awesome.
No one really loves to use condoms, but it's no excuse not to be safe, protected, and responsible about your sexual health.
You know what's worse than condoms? Sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancies. Totally worse than wearing a condom. 1000% worse.
Wrap it up, and have a conversation about sexual history. Need a refresher because it's been so long? Read the blog post below to get yourself up to speed.
Rebound Sex Should Be Fun
Actually, all sex should be fun! That's why we have it, to have fun and to feel closer to someone.
Following these steps will help you have killer shame-free rebound sex. You'll know when the time is right and how to have playful and honest sex, even if your heart is still a bit fragile.
Remember, there is light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes a little rebound sex can help you see the light that much faster.
Good luck, have fun, and be safe!