I’m always looking for shortcuts in life
The shortest line at the grocery store. The shortcut through the gas station parking lot. Graduating from university by doing the least amount of work possible.
Wait. I’m not sure that last one is actually a shortcut but it is a testament to my desire to have as much fun while doing as little work as possible.
Come to think of it, that comes in handy during sex with a new partner.
I’m not a lazy lover, but I’m always looking to increase the fun by decreasing the guesswork. Maximize pleasure, minimize efforts. That’s what I always say.
Actually, I’ve never said that but there’s a first time for everything.
I’d be nice if there was a shortcut to orgasm.
There’s a lot of guesswork when having sex with a new partner
There doesn’t have to be. If we’d all just be a little less bashful when it comes to talking about what we like and how we like it, we’d all be better off.
Some people are experts at talking about sex with a new partner, others, not so much. I fall somewhere in the middle. Sometimes I’m great, and other times I’m not.
I still push myself to have awkward conversations as often as possible. Sometimes I succeed, other times I’m too shy. It’s OK, it’s pretty normal.
We’re all doing the best we can.
“How do you get off?”
That’s one of those powerful questions which can be nerve wracking for a lot of people to ask. It doesn’t have to be, but it is. That’s fine.
The question is hard to ask, but it can be hard to answer too.
Some folks don’t know exactly how they get off, they just do. Others don’t have the language available to describe exactly what they’re doing. Some are just plain shy and won’t be able to answer this question. I get that.
Some will happily tell you, bless them!
Experts at talking about sex
Being with someone who loves to talk about sex makes talking about sex easier. I love having sex with people who are great at talking about sex.
They pave the way for open and honest communication about sex. When they open up, they show us that it’s OK to open up.
My therapist said the more you know about your partner, the more you’ll know about your partner. Or something like that.
I might be remembering it wrong but the more you share, the more your partner will share. The more you communicate, the more intimacy you’ll cultivate, and I’m all about cultivating intimacy. Ask anyone.
No one loves cultivating intimacy more than I do, believe me.
The longer you wait the harder it is
It’s like anything.
The longer you wait to go to the gym, the harder it is to go. Same with yoga, or running. Or anything else you know is good for you but hard to do.
The longer you wait to talk to your partner about their sexual preferences, the harder it’ll be to do it.
It’s hard to start talking to your partner 6 months in about how they like to get off. The expectation is that you should already know by now, so most folks don’t bring it up. The next thing you know it’s been years since you’ve talked about sex.
I know, I’ve been there.
If you can start talking to your partner about sex from the get go, it’ll be built into your relationship. You’ll have established good habits.
Easier said than done, I know.
Anyways, this blog isn’t about talking about sex. It’s about one little shortcut that I’m going to share with you.
It’s not about the orgasm
That’s what people say.
Orgasm isn’t the goal. It’s about creating a safe, playful, and open space for you and your partner to connect. It’s about bringing pleasure and deepening intimacy without any expectations. Pleasure is the goal.
I agree. If we’d all focus a bit less on the orgasm, there’d be less pressure for your partner to have one.
At the same time, orgasms are pretty badass and if we can help our partners have one, we should.
Orgasms are a delightful side effect to having sex. The more the merrier as far as I’m concerned.
Let’s not forget that some people can’t have orgasms, and thats OK.
It doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex. Maybe they’re shy, or they’ve experienced trauma in the past, or they were never encouraged to explore their bodies. Whatever the reason, just because you can’t achieve orgasm, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex.
The Rubik’s cube or the shortcut to orgasm
Helping someone have an orgasm is a bit like solving a Rubik’s cube. I’ve never solved a Rubik’s cube so I’m hoping this analogy works.
You can’t just do what you did with your last partner to your new partner and expect it to work out. Everyone is different and has different needs and wants when it comes to how they want to get off.
That being said, even a Rubik’s cubes has a set of actionable steps that you can follow to help you solve the puzzle. You can explain it to me, but wouldn’t it be easier if you just showed me?
People reach orgasm sort of the same way.
Most people have a set of actionable steps that they go through in order to reach orgasm. Wouldn’t it be great if your partner just showed you?
“Show me how you masturbate”
Actually, that’s a demand. Frame it like a request.
“Would you like to show me how you masturbate?”
That’s your shortcut to orgasm. Ask your partner to show you how they masturbate. Doesn’t matter if it’s your first time or your hundredth.
I love this shortcut to orgasm. It’s badass on so many levels.
- It’s fun and playful. There’s a lot to smile about here.
- It’s incredibly hot to watch your partner touch themselves. Then you can show them how you masturbate. Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.
- It’s educational. You’re getting a crash course on how they like to touch themselves.
- It’s incredibly intimate. You’re getting to watch your partner do something they don’t show many people, if they’ve shown anyone ever.
Some partners won’t be able to show you. They’ll be too shy, or they won’t be comfortable. That’s OK. You’ll just have to fall back on good old sexual communication. No shortcut to orgasm for you.
For everyone else, have a blast. And pay attention. There’ll be a quiz later.