Dear Love Drive,
I really want to sleep with a dear friend who’s married. Am I morally inept for wanting to sleep with a married woman?
Not A Home Wrecker, 32 M
Hey Not A Home Wrecker,
Is she an amazing woman? I bet she is. I’d probably want to sleep with her too.
I hang out with a few married women. They’re smart, funny, beautiful, and unavailable. Every time I hang out with them, I fantasize about sleeping with them. But it ends at fantasy. It doesn’t go further than that because I don’t let it.
I don’t flirt with them, and and I don’t hit on them. I acknowledge that I’m attracted to them, and then I continue developing my platonic friendship with them.
Wanting and doing are two completely different things
There’s a big difference between wanting to sleep with your married friend and actually sleeping with your married friend. The former is pretty common, the latter sucks for everyone involved.
We’re not defined by our thoughts, we’re defined my our actions. They say clothing makes the man but that’s not true. Actions make the man. Or woman.
It’s not morally inept to have desires, it’s what we do with those desires that might be morally inept.
Play the tape forward
Ask yourself these questions before you consider sleeping with a married person:
- Will you maintain or improve the relationship you currently have?
- Will they leave their partner to be with you?
- Will you feel good about it?
- Is it worth finding out?
I’m guessing the answer to all these questions is no.
When you sleep with someone who’s already in a relationship, you’re automatically #2 to them.
You’re not their priority. If you were and they really wanted to be with you, they’d leave their partner to be with you. Then you’d be #1.
I think you’re already #1 in my eyes. You’re worthy of being with someone you wants to be with you.
It’s unfortunate that your dear friend isn’t available to you, but that’s OK. It can be really fun to be friends with people you’re attracted to.
Have fun with your dear friend but keep it platonic. Acknowledge your desire to have sex with her and then let it go.
And turn your attention to all the lovely single people out there who would probably love to sleep with you.