It’s no secret I want love
After all I didn’t move to Montreal for the bagels. I came here for love. And the cheap rent. And the bagels.
I’ve been single a few years now. I was supposed to be married with two kids by the age of thirty. Things don’t always work out the way you’d planned them, do they?
Love happens when it happens. I tell people that shit all the time. Don’t look for love; it’ll come to you when you least expect it. That's always been my advice. You'd think I would know better by now.
But I don’t always do as I say. Despite my better judgement, I still find myself looking for love.
It's Subtle At First
A shift in my way of thinking and seeing the world. I start looking at women a bit differently. I notice them more on the street. My sense of awareness is heightened. I'm intimately aware of their presence in my surroundings.
I think of past partners and lovers. Were any of them ‘the one?’ I exchange text messages with some of them; just to say hi but really it’s to gauge the temperature. Is there anything still there? Was she 'the one who got away'? What does that even mean? I'm not sure, but I don't think it's real.
People don’t get back together, but I still wonder if it’s possible. Probably not. Breakups happen for a reason.
And Then Not So Subtle
I’m fully looking for love now.
I'm looking outside myself for a source of fulfillment, pleasure, and validation. I want a partner because I want to be wanted and I want to be loved. I want to feel different than how I currently feel.
Trying online dating again starts to sound like a good idea. I know it’s not. I’d quit Tinder in Chattanooga. I won’t find anything on there I didn’t already find. Lots of potential connections resulting in very few actual connections.
One Tickets To Fantasy Land Please
At this point I've fully stepped into a dream world. I’m 100% completely disconnected from reality.
Every time I see a pretty woman I start imaginary conversations with them. But I skip the small talk. I don’t have time for small talk. I’m looking for love here. This is serious business.
“Are you the one? You? Is it you? Are you my partner? Should we go out? Are you the one? My future ex wife? Are we going to have kids together?”
The Stakes Are High Now
So high that it prevents me from starting a conversation with anyone in real life. While I'm in fantasy land, I'm also going through my day in reality land.
How does one even approach the future love of your life?
Living in fantasy land has blocked me from engaging with anyone in reality land. I've sabotaged any potential encounter with a woman. I can't possibly approach anyone because I just don't know where to start.
Everything I've ever learned about approaching someone I'm interested in automatically goes out the window. Poof. I lose all hope of connection.
Oops I Did It Again
OK cowboy, reel it in. I catch myself doing it again. I’ve become disconnected from reality and I slowly return to Earth.
This happens to me. Sometimes often, sometimes less so. It depends on what’s going on in my life. It happened last month while traveling in Tokyo.
So far this month, it hasn't happened.
A Waste Of Time
It's a distraction.
A distraction from what’s really important in life.
Writing. Working. Staying active. Eating well. Roger the dog. Connecting with family. Staying in touch with old friends; making new ones. Deepening my spiritual practice. Staying away from pornography. Sleeping well. Waking up early. Talking to you.
You know, the important stuff.
Love Is Important, But Looking For It Isn't
Looking for love is like looking for a hundred dollar bill on the ground. You can look for it but the chances of finding it are slim to none.
I've spent years looking for that hundred dollar bill. Is that it? Over there? Under here? Maybe this is a hundred dollar bill?
Nope. It's not even a dollar bill.
You Can Love Without Being In Love
You don't have to be in love to experience love. It's everywhere around you, if you choose to see it.
You can love your friends, your pets, your family, your work. Your body, your home, your life. Films, books, TV. Music.
But most importantly you can love yourself.
And you better. Because you're the only person that has to live with yourself every day of your life.
Oh, and remember this:
You can stop looking for that hundred dollar bill. You are the one hundred dollar bill.