How Should I Learn To Get Into Dating?

Dear Love Drive,

How should I learn to get into dating?

I have only had 3 first dates at the age of 27. Being honest (and polite) seems to disqualify me.

I have a career and the physical items down. Home, car, exotic pets even. I do go out and have a few varied friend groups. Hobbies beyond day to day chores.

I do have a life, just no one else in it.

Exotic Pets Even, 27

Hi Pets,

First of all, owning a toucan and a Maserati isn’t a good reason to date you

Owning a house and a car is a ‘nice to have’ but it’s not the reason most people will want to date you.

Most people like people for who they are not what they own. Most people like honest and polite people.

Your question on how to learn to date is an excellent one.  You’ve clued in on something very important.

Dating is a skill just like anything else

You didn’t excel at your career overnight so don’t expect to be good at dating overnight. Sure, some people are naturals at dating just like some people are naturals at writing, business, or sports.

The rest of us have to put in the time and the work. Dating isn’t any different.

The two part answer to how to get good at dating

Dating People

  1. Go on lots of dates. The more you do something the better you’ll get at it. Period. Join an online dating site. Say yes to dates with people you might not normally say yes to. Go on as many dates as possible.
  2. Ask lots of people out. Online and in real life. Get used to asking people out. Get used to rejection. Remember to have fun. No one can hurt you. They can just say no. Try not to take it personally. Do it again. It’ll get easier.
  3. Learn three interesting things about your date. That’s it. This is your job. That’s your only goal. Learn three interesting things about your date. Not where they’re from or what they do. Dig deeper. Ask questions. Be curious. Have fun.
  4. Be gracious and kind to everyone. Most dates won’t lead to anything. That’s OK. That’s normal. Here’s where being honest and polite will come in handy. Be kind to everyone even if you don’t end up connecting with them. If you ask them out on a second date and they say no just say “OK, thank you.” Read this post on handling rejection.
  5. Have no expectations. This is a hard one but will make your life easier in the long run. Have no expectations of anything. A date is just a date. It’s not a promise of a kiss, or sex, or a second date. The date can end early or it can last all night. Have no expectations and you’ll never be disappointed.

Dating Yourself

  1. Do interesting things. You’ll meet interesting people by doing interesting things. Go to museums, do yoga, join a book club, learn a new sport, attend speaker series and workshops, teach a class. Become a more interesting person. Become more dateable. Have fun.
  2. Seek new experiences. This is related to doing interesting things. Don’t settle for doing the things you always do. Shake your life up. Say yes to things you would normally say no to. Be open. Remember, have fun. Life is fun.
  3. Sell your TV. It’s rotting your brain. Read more books. Go outside more. Exercise more. Talk to people more. Sit in silence more. Hang out with your toucan. Go for a drive in your Maserati.
  4. Take yourself out. When you’re feeling really lonely, take yourself out. Go to dinner and a movie. Forget about dating for a bit. Focus on yourself. Get a massage. Eat some ice cream. Try again tomorrow.
  5. Trust. Trust the you’ll be OK alone. Even though you don’t want to be alone, you’ll be OK alone. Also trust that you’ll find someone to spend time with. Trust that there are people out there that will like you for who you are and not what you own.

You’re a lovely person and you deserve to be with a lovely person. That lovely person will come when they come. In the meantime make the most out of your life. Get good at dating so when you meet that lovely person you’ll be better equipped to date them. And let us know how it goes.

Bold Enough To Share?

Shaun Galanos

Shaun Galanos is a love coach and he teaches communication and intimacy tools for better relationships and more love.