Why do highly sexual people have more sex than the rest of us? What can we do to catch up?
3 years ago I was driving a taxi in San Francisco
I’d come back from living in South America and I was broke. Driving taxi was fun at first, and then it was just brutal. And boring.
It’s a hard job. Driving 10 hours a day, getting home at 4 in the morning, frazzled from the beating my central nervous system took. I was cranked up at night and a zombie during the day.
Oh, and I had zero sex life but that’s not why I’m telling you this story
A few months in, a friend suggested I record the conversations I was having in my cab. She always has good ideas for what I should do with my life. I don’t give her enough credit. Thanks Ali. I love you.
I bought cameras and microphones. Each day I would grab the cab, drive it home, wire it up, and hit the streets. The Love Drive was born.
Here’s a short behind the scenes video my friend made. He’s a talented filmmaker, it’s a good film and it’s short, just over 5 mins. I look really goofy in it.
I started making videos. Here are all the videos I made in my taxi. Along with the videos, I wrote some articles.
The more work I did the more work I got
The more videos I made and the more articles I wrote, the more people wanted to collaborate with me.
The Good Men Project published an article I wrote about being turned down for a job, because of my website. They thought I was a player and that I’d hit on their employees and clients. I might’ve, I don’t know. It’s a fun article to read. It explains how I got here.
I was approached by an Australian TV Network looking to hire a host for a show on sex and love. They saw my videos on YouTube and thought I’d be a great fit. We emailed and skyped a bunch but it never materialized into anything. Bummer.
Why am I telling you this?
Work is like sex. The more you do, the more you get
Action begets action, which is another way of saying the more sex you have, the more sex you’ll have. You’ll get better at it, which will boost your confidence. Confidence is sexy, which will lead you to more sex.
You get the point. It’s a self rewarding and self reinforcing loop. It’s great when you’re in it.
Not so great when you’re not.
So how do us regular schmoes become highly sexual people?
Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People said it best,
Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny.
Let’s look at the actions of highly sexual people, and incorporate them into what we’re already doing. It’s not about starting from scratch, it’s about adding to, and fine tuning, what we’re already doing.
These actions will turn into habits, and those habits will become part of your character. And then, your highly sexual destiny. Let’s do it.
The 7 habits of highly sexual people
1. Take more risks
Stand on a street corner and ask ten people if they’ll have sex with you. I’m told one will eventually say yes, but probably not before getting kicked in the balls nine times. Don’t do this.
Instead, flirt shamelessly.
Highly sexual people look for opportunities to flirt. Flirting leads to dates, which leads to sex. Usually.
Start taking more risks. Remember, you’ll also get rejected more, but that’s OK. Not sure how to handle rejection? When someone turns you down say, “my loss” with a smile, and walk away. Works every time.
2. Ask for what you want
4 out of 5 dentists agree that asking for what you want will significantly increase your chances of getting what you want.
I was on a date a few years ago. We were having tea at my house after dinner. She asked if I wanted to watch a movie, to which I replied “I’d rather just take your clothes off”. She looked at me sideways, and then we took each others’s clothes off.
I’d asked for what I wanted, and I got it. I was terrified, I was taking a huge risk (remember #1 above?), and it paid off. My dentist was proud. Highly sexual people were proud too.
3. Never stop learning
Try things you’ve never tried before. Take a class or workshop at your local adult sex shop. Try new techniques. Ask out someone you wouldn’t normally ask out. It’ll make you a more adventurous lover, and it’ll increase your sexual confidence. Sexual confidence leads to more sex. We know this already.
4. Take care of your body
I workout because I want to look good naked. That’s my main motivator. The side effects are great too. Lower stress, better health, better sleep. But it’s really about the mirror.
Exercise. Be proud of your body. Do basic grooming: nails trimmed, teeth cleaned, hair did. Nothing extreme, just the basics.
The better you feel, the sexier you’ll feel. Increased confidence leads to…. right we know. More sex.
5. Talk about it
With friends, partners, strangers (if it’s appropriate – read these ground rules to find out). The more you do it the better you’ll be at it. It’s like any skill. It’ll be awkward, until it’s not.
Learn to talk about what you want, learn to ask your partner what they want, and learn to talk about sexual health. Getting used to talking about sex will make it easier for you to bring up. Bringing up sex in conversation can be a turn on. Turning someone on leads to more sex.
Starting to get the idea?
6. Don’t take it too seriously
It’s sex. It’s awkward. Two (or more) people rubbing their body parts together to make good feelings. Could it be any more awkward?
It’s also fun, scary, amazing, and intimate. Take the air out of the situation by not taking it too seriously. Have fun with it. Remember to laugh; sex is also really funny. Falling off the bed, spontaneous leg cramps, accidental farting. All funny.
7. Focus on your partner
Focus on giving pleasure instead of receiving pleasure. Learn to ask your partner what turns them on. Not sure how? Say this:
What turns you on?
Is there anything that you’d like me to do for you?
How can I bring you pleasure?
Sounds cheesy, until you realize that people like to be asked what turns them on. It makes them feel special and wanted. They might hesitate a bit at first, because it’s not often that people ask the question, but they’ll come around to it.
When your partner is taken care of, you’re taken care of. Trust me. It’s the basic principle of the book, She Comes First.
And then let it all go
Incorporate this into your daily life. Learn new skills, take a workshop, flirt with strangers, learn to talk about sex. Take care of your partner if you have one. Definitely take care of your body.
And then let go of the results. This won’t happen overnight. The changes will come over time, but it’ll take the time it takes.
After all, you’re a masterpiece in the making. And you’re beautiful.
Shaun Galanos is The Love Drive. He lives and writes in Montreal.