I’m not looking for friends. Don’t get me wrong, I love people.
I’m always in the process of bringing amazing people into my life, but life is short and my time is precious. I don’t have enough time to do everything I want to do, so making new friends isn’t a priority.
But meeting a partner is. I want love, and I want sex, and I want both to be good and plentiful.
When I meet someone I’m interested in, I refuse to let ambiguity and laziness rule my life.
That’s why I don’t ask people to hang out.
When I ask someone to hang out, I never know where I stand.
And nor do they. How could they?
They don’t know if you’re interested in dating them or not.
They know you’re down to hang, which means you either want to fuck them, or play video games with them, or something in between.
I don’t like ambiguous dates. I’ve been on dates where no one knew if it was a date or not, and it was awkward. I leaned in for a goodnight kiss and she told me she had a boyfriend.
That’s why I don’t ask people to hang out anymore.
Also because it’s cowardly and lazy
Asking someone to hang out is a half assed way of asking someone out.
You do it because it’s safe. I get it. You’re hedging your bets.
When you ask them to hang out, you’re protecting yourself from a potential rejection. You can’t get rejected if you don’t ask someone out. If they say no to hanging out, it’s no big deal. The stakes are low. You just wanted to hang.
But when they say no to you asking them on a date, that can sting. Really bad.
No one likes rejection. But the great thing about rejection is that you’ll know exactly where you stand and you can move on. No more ambiguity. Bye bye uncertainty.
I can’t deal with ambiguity anymore, I’m too old for it and I don’t have the patience for it. I’d rather just find out if you’re interested in me or not.
Which takes risk
When I meet someone I’d like to go on a date with, I ask them out on a date.
It’s pretty simple and straightforward.
Hey. You’re cool. Wanna go a date?
Basic. I know. But it’s honest, and direct, and there’s something really sexy about that. People like people who know what they want.
Sometimes they say yes, and other times they say no. Either way, I know where I stand.
It’s still hard to hear a no, but I’ve gotten better at it. Getting rejected is a skill like anything else; the more you do it the better you’ll get.
When they say yes (someone will eventually, it’s inevitable), good job. Go on a date! Have fun.
Not everything has to be a date
Sometimes you meet someone and you’re not sure if you want to go on a date with them, but you’d still like to spend some time with them.
Find something cool to do, and ask them to do it with you.
It could be anything. Here’s 10 things I came up with off the top of my head:
- Go for a walk in the woods (suggest a fairly public wooded area for your first date)
- Go to an animal shelter and check out some small animals (take one for a walk if they’ll let you)
- Go see a live performance (music, dance, comedy, art)
- Take a class or workshop (cooking, pottery, glass blowing, painting, bird watching)
- Go rock climbing or slack lining (go to a park and ask to slackline on people’s slacklines)
- Ride bikes to a picnic in the park (don’t have a bike? Go pick one out at your local bike co-op together, fun!)
- Go for a run or a swim together (weather permitting)
- Eat at a food truck get together (this is a thing in big cities not sure about the little cities)
- Volunteer together (type in ‘volunteer’ and your city in Google and find some opportunities that way)
- Go thrift store hunting (try to find the coolest thing for $10)
It’s fun and it’s bold
Asking people to do something specific or to go on a date is more effective than asking someone to hang out. Trust me. You’ll get to where you want to go much faster.
Oh, and by the way. While you’re doing something fun together, you’re totally hanging out.
You’re hanging out so tough!