7 years ago

Fear of rejection and what to say after she says no

Fear of rejection is what’s always stopped me from asking women out. How do we overcome the crippling fear of rejection when asking someone out? How do we overcome hearing no and get ready to do it again?

Here’s how I learned to accept the fear of rejection, walk through it, and plan for the eventual no.

Fear of rejection doing phone sales at 22.

At 22 I landed a dream job. Doing phone sales for Yahoo!. I’d never sold a thing in my life. I knew nothing about sales. I was given a desk, a phone, and a stack of leads. That phone must have weighed a 1000 pounds.

What was I afraid of? Everything.

Rejection. Not knowing what to say. Fumbling my words. Not having enough confidence. Looking stupid. Mostly I was scared of what to say if they said no. And they said no. A lot.

For 4 years I got a crash course in rejection. We had to make 80 phone calls a day. That means leaving lots of voicemails, hearing a few yes’s, and a whole lot of no’s. I got a Masters in handling rejection, overcoming the emotional response that comes after rejection, and how to recover quickly from it.

Whether you’re asking for a raise, a sale, or a date the fear of rejection is real and must be overcome in order to move forward. You’ll never get anything you don’t ask for so might as well get good at asking for it. And part of asking for it means bracing yourself for rejection.

Your friends would be proud.

They keep telling you that you need to ask more people out. People aren’t asking you out on dates so you have to do the hard work yourself. You build up the courage. You’re about to walk through the debilitating fear of asking someone out. Great job. Your friends would be proud.

You walk up to her in the Whole Foods parking lot and introduce yourself. She’s holding a bag of persimmons so you make a witty comment and start chitchatting. Things are going well so you decide to ask her out.

I’d love to continue this over coffee. Would you like to have coffee with me?

She looks at you, pauses and says,

“I have a boyfriend”

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Fear and panic flood your body. Fight or flight kicks in and you certainly can’t fight them in the Whole Foods parking lot. Running away is still an option but you just got here and haven’t done your shopping yet.

Most people don’t know what to say after getting rejected. Handling rejection is simply part of being human. How you handle that rejection however will set you apart.

When I ask someone out I know what they’re going to say. Either yes. Or no. I remove the fear of rejection by anticipating the answers. That way I won’t fumble my words, look anxious, or feel awkward.

Look, it’s always going to be a bit awkward to get rejected but if you prep for it it doesn’t have to look or sound awkward.

“My loss”

Think fast. You only have a few seconds to respond before she starts looking at you sideways. Remember: things only get awkward if you make them awkward. If you act like it’s no big deal – then it’s no big deal.

When I get rejected I simply say,

“Oh well. My loss…”

That’s it. It’s funny, it’s light, it’s sweet, and it’s a touch self-deprecating. It shows a willingness to laugh a bit and does wonders for lightening up a potentially awkward situation. Smile. The more you do it the easier it gets. Trust me.

The art of recovery

Now that you’ve faced rejection and tactfully addressed it with “my loss”, it’s time to make a few graceful sidesteps. You can either keep chatting or make your smooth exit.

If I’m still in the mood to chat I’ll ask them how they met their partner. It shows a willingness to connect platonically and a resilience that’s rare after rejection. It keeps the dialogue open and allows for the conversation to progress organically.

“Where did you meet your partner? I love to hear how people met”.

A few years ago I asked a woman out. She said she had a boyfriend so I asked her how they met. As she’s telling me the story the boyfriend literally walks up to us. I was able to say “Oh hi. Your girlfriend was just telling me how you guys met – nice to meet you”. Potentially really fucking awkward situation completely avoided by asking a follow up question and a bit of quick thinking.

Keep the exit short, sweet, and light

If continued conversation would feel strained or inappropriate for whatever reason it’s time to make a smooth but swift exit. I keep it light and I keep it short. Remember to smile!

“Well, thanks anyways. Enjoy your persimmons and have a lovely day!”

Even knowing all this and having lots of practice at it I still stumble. You can’t plan for everything someone might say but you can do your best.

Don’t take it personally. Know that we’re all doing the best we can. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself and go after that thing you want. Whether it’s a raise, a sale, a donut, or a date. You might get it if you build up the courage to ask for it.

You could’ve also avoided rejection by asking them if they were single first – but that’s a story for another time.


 Shaun Galanos is the host and producer of The Love Drive. He lives and writes in Montreal.

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Shaun Galanos

Shaun Galanos is a love coach and he teaches communication and intimacy tools for better relationships and more love.