a few months ago

Asking Women “Did You Come?” Will Make You A Better Lover

did you cum?

Saying "I love you" can be hard and scary.

But it pales in comparison to how difficult it can be to ask a woman this one question, 

"Did you cum?"

More...

We’re Not Taught How To Talk About Sex

 If we're lucky we get a hurried 2 hour sex ed class in middle school showing us the proper way to put a condom on a banana. 

Why does a banana need a condom?

We often learn to communicate from our role models, who are often our parents. Most parents don't have what it takes to talk to their kids about sex. They never ​received it from their parents so how can we expect them to know any better?

So we're left to figure it out on our own, with the help of the internet. ​

Speaking of help, here's a little.

Sex Is Awkward But Talking About It Doesn’t Have To Be

And even then, it still is. It's awkward because we don't do it enough. It's a skill like anything else. The more we talk about sex, the easier it becomes.

For me, it was never that easy. I always loved sex and connecting with women and I realized early on that the more you talk about sex, the more sex you have. 

Talking about sex is a turn on for most people.

When you talk about sex, it stirs up something inside. Your sexual arousal gets nudged. "Wake up, you might get laid if you pay attention to what's happening."

We're gonna get laid, in this fluffy bed!

You Know The Sex Can’t Always Be Good

And sometimes there's nothing I could've done about it. It wasn't good because the chemistry wasn't there. Or one of us wasn't into but it we did it anyway. 

But other times, the sex wasn't good because we didn't know how to please each other.

You can want to please your partner all you want, but if you don't know how, you're going to have a rough time figuring it out. 

We're not mind readers. 

So I became better at asking my partner what she liked. And I became better at describing what I liked. We were both upping our chances of having great sex. The more you talk about it, the easier it becomes.

It's a skill like anything else.

Women Are More Complex, Orgasmically Speaking

It's pretty obvious when a man cums.

We're not exactly subtle and we're pretty vocal about it. Also, we're not too terribly complex. The path to the male orgasm is straightforward. 

Naomi Wolfe, best selling author of Vagina (do yourself a favor -- buy it now) compares the way men are wired sexually to Manhattan. There's uptown, downtown, and midtown. Not only is it pretty straightforward, but most men are wired similarly. 

Women on the other hand, she compares to São Paulo, Brazil....during Mardi Gras.

Clusters of nerves going all over the place. Picture a tangle of Christmas lights. Beautiful Christmas lights representing not only the path these nerves take to reach erogenous zones but the complexity of the network. 

Oh, also. Every woman is different. 

Now we know why, physiologically, it's not as straightforward for women to achieve orgasm. 

Orgasms Do A Body Good, The More The Merrier

I like sex and I like having sex with people who like sex. I also like to bring pleasure to my partner, just as I like my partner to bring pleasure to me. That's the thing about sex.

It should be fun, and pleasurable for both. 

While orgasm isn't the goal of sex, we can all agree it's a pretty damn good side effect. The more the merrier as far as I'm concerned. ​

While it's pretty ​easy to figure out when a man is having an orgasm, a woman's orgasm can be much more subtle. They can vary wildly in intensity, frequency, and duration. 

And the best way to find out if your partner has had an orgasm, or what you can do to help them achieve an orgasm (if that's what they want, of course), is to ask them. 

Yea, but, how?

So, Um, Did You Come?

In can be scary to ask a woman if she's orgasmed. My ego gets involved. I should know how to please a woman.

Well, I don't always. Because everyone is different. Also, I'm not a mind reader.  

So I do what I always do.

I ask in the most straightforward manner possible and try to not make it awkward. Because it's only awkward if you make it awkward.

How To Ask Your Partner If They Came

Me: "Did you cum"?

Her: "No."

Me: "Would you like to?"

Her: "Yea."

Me: "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Her: "Sure. Do this and this."

Me: "OK."

Also, here’s a video I made about what this conversation looks like in person.

Asking Is Always The Best Solution To The Problem

I ask my partners how I can be a better partner, and how I can bring more pleasure to them. I put my ego aside and I talk to my partner in order to get to know them more. 

When I ask if they came or what I can do to help, I always get the information I need. I know exactly what they want without guessing or reading minds. 

Is it awkward? At first yea. But then it's like anything. The more you do it the better you get at it. And making your partner cum is definitely something worth getting better at. 

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Shaun Galanos

Shaun Galanos is The Love Drive. He believes we all deserve love and works to help men (and women) develop more intimate relationships through honest and playful communication. He lives, writes, and makes videos in Montreal.

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