Category Archives for "Dear Love Drive"
Dear Love Drive,
I need advice on how to just hookup with someone. I want to set up a sex date but don't want it to be awkward.
I've gotten some matches on Tinder that are looking to hookup, but I don't know how to approach the situation.
I've done one night stands before, but I've never driven over to someone's house for the sole intention of hooking up.
How do I go about it without the situation being awkward? I have a major tendency to overthink every situation. What are some tips on not being nervous and just enjoying the moment?
Dear Love Drive,
I have a hard time setting personal boundaries.
Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than a man giving me a hug that I don't want.
How do I set boundaries without coming across as a bitch?
Dear Love Drive,
We’ve been hanging out & for a while I developed feelings for her, she knows I’m gay & I can’t help but think she is too.
My gut says she is and also her taste in literature which is 50% lesbian novels. I want to ask her out but before I do I obviously need to know her orientation & if she likes me.
Lesbian Literature, 54
Dear Love Drive,
I’m recently single and it seems like every guy coming out of the woodworks just wants sex.
Including this guy I just met. He’s super hot but he still lives with his ex.
He reached out to me a couple months ago asking if I’d like to go on a date. I told him no since I still lived with my ex and maybe in a month or two I would be ready. A month later he asked me to have coffee with him and I did, and we had fun.
The week after our coffee date he asked me to come over to his friends house to ‘watch movies’. His friend wasn’t going to be there. I turned him down.
Now he wants to know when he can come over to my new place.
I am so new at this dating thing. I feel dumb. My gut tells me to stay away.
I’m gonna be 40 soon and I feel like I am getting to old for this crap!
Single Again, W, 39
P.S. How do you hook up with people and not get attached?
Your gut is right. Trust your gut.
Doesn’t matter how hot someone is, if they’re still living with their ex, they’re unavailable. Broken up or not, living with an ex is a huge red flag that someone is completely unavailable.
Unavailable people are off limits because they often just bring pain and disappointment. Dating them makes me crazy and I won’t do it anymore.
You’re too old for this shit. We’re all too old for this shit.
When he’s inviting you over to ‘watch movies’ he’s probably inviting you over to snuggle up with you on the couch and rub up on you.
There’s nothing wrong with snuggling up and rubbing up on you, as long as it’s not disguised as something it’s not. An invite to watch a movie is rarely an invite to actually watch a movie. It’s a lazy way of asking you to come over and make out/have sex.
A woman asked me to watch a movie once and I told her I’d rather just take her clothes off. You can guess what we did.
This is a much more powerful invitation,
Hey I’m house sitting and this place has an awesome view of the city. Wanna come over for tea/drinks/dinner?
**That being said – it is possible to invite someone over to watch a movie. I’ve done it before but I’m explicit about it, like so,
Wanna come over and watch that movie we talked about? I know it sounds like an excuse to snuggle up on the couch with you, but that’s just an added bonus. I think you’ll really like it and I’m excited to watch it with you.
Honest. Up front. It gives them all the information they need.
It’s a hard transition. Finding yourself single after years of partnership can be confusing, lonely, and difficult. Your friend group might have changed, you’re probably living in a new part of town, and relearning to do things alone you used to do with your partner.
The adjustment period can be really challenging. It’s tempting to jump back into dating to feel some of that connection you were used to feeling with your partner.
Take your time, there’s no rush. Enjoy being single.
Do things you wanted to do but didn’t have time to do because you were busy with your partner. Take that dance class. Go on that road trip. Join that weird clown troupe. Whatever.
Have fun with your new freedom.
You’re out practice. That’s normal.
Dating is a skill like anything else. The more you do it, the better you’ll be at it.
When you’re ready to get back into, ease into it slowly. And listen to your gut.
You’ll get your needs met soon enough.
How do you have sex without getting attached?
Carefully, and with no expectations that you won’t get attached.
Some people can have sex and not get attached. Good for them. Others just can’t seem to break that genital-heart connection.
If you’re more prone to falling for someone after having sex with them, know that you probably can’t hook up without getting attached, and that’s perfectly fine.
You’re too old to date people that aren’t honest with their communication and unavailable but you’re not too old to slowly get back into dating and have fun with it.
Dear Love Drive,
I just got out of a long term relationship. I'm not looking to get back into one right away.
I just want to date and have fun.
What do you think about going on dates with pretty girls and flirting with them? Making out? Sex?
Should I be upfront about what I'm looking for, or is that too forward/weird?
Just The Tip, M, 33
I completely understand.
Several years ago I jumped into a relationship after having just gotten out of one. I couldn't help it, I fell madly in love with her (though looking back who knows if it was love or lust).
It didn't last because underneath it all, I really wanted to be single.
I didn't want to put in the work that a long term committed relationship entailed. I was tired of working and I wanted to have fun.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
That's awesome. It's great to know what you want.
A lot of folks either don't know what they want or are scared of being honest about what they want.
Some people want sex but pretend they want more than sex because they think that's the best way of getting sex.
Others want a more committed relationship but pretend they just want sex so as to not scare the other person away.
They think if they're honest about their desires there's a chance they won't get what they want.
They're not wrong.
Whenever you're honest about what you want, you risk someone saying,
Oh. I don't want that. No thank you.
And that can feel a lot like rejection. Because in a way, it is. But it's also someone just communicating their preference with you.
You prefer something a bit more casual right now and they prefer something a bit more long term. You simply have different preferences, and there's nothing weird about that.
If you look at it this way, it takes a lot of the sting out of potential rejection.
Also, the more rejection you experience, the better you are at dealing with it. It's like anything, the more you do it, the better you get at it.
Being honest kills any potential to play games. I'm not good at playing games, I always forget the rules.
Being honest allows people to be honest with me. Sort of like when I'm honest about my sexual health, it allows other people to be honest too.
Being honest increases my chances of getting what I want. Once, a woman on our first date asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. I told her I'd rather take her clothes off.
We didn't watch a movie that night.
And it's usually somewhere in the first date when you're getting to know each other.
So. What are you looking for in dating?
It's that simple.
It's only awkward if you make it awkward. Either she asks you, or you ask her. Then you take turns answering.
Oh! I just got out of a long term relationship not too long ago and I'm interested in casual dating right now. I hope that's not too forward!
Either she's into it, or she's not.
You won't find out unless you're upfront about your desires.
We want to be honest, and allow people to have as much information as possible so they can make an informed decision about what they'd like to do.
Sometimes they'll want what you want, other times they won't.
You win some, you lose some. That's a sports quote I think.
That's pretty fucking cool.
I bet there are some women who also want to flirt with you and maybe have sex with you. Go find them and be upfront with them.
It's not too forward and it's not weird, it's the right thing to do.
Dear Love Drive,
I really want to sleep with a dear friend who’s married. Am I morally inept for wanting to sleep with a married woman?