last year

How To Use The Brunch Standard To Help You Have Great Sex

Brunch Standard

Could having lots of sex be a problem? For a long time it wasn’t until I realized I was sometimes having sex for the wrong reasons.

My initial solution was to stop having sex altogether until I could figure out what was really happening.

I then came up a framework to help me figure out who I should be having sex with. I went from being indiscriminately promiscuous to having a clear idea of when to have sex with someone by using The Brunch Standard.

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Maybe Sex Will Fix The Loneliness?

Six months into a one year road trip I was sad, lonely, and desperately looking to change the way I was feeling. So I turned to Tinder.

I met a woman I didn’t have much in common with. We had drinks and chatted a bit until the conversation eventually turned to sex.

I asked her if she wanted a change of venue and she said sure. I suggested her house and she agreed. We had sex and when it was over I left. I still felt sad and lonely.

I hadn’t really connected with her at all.

This wasn’t an isolated incident. A pattern was emerging.

Having Sex Because I Can

Or maybe its sex to have sex. I’m on a date because I feel like being on a date. I’m not feeling sad or lonely, just looking for connection. 

And this person and I don’t have that magic spark I’m looking for.

But she’s pretty and sweet and we’re having a good time. We’re also two adults that like to have sex so we do the inevitable. We have sex.

When the sex is over I leave. I’m not sad or lonely but I hadn’t really connected with her at all.

This wasn’t an isolated incident. A pattern was emerging.

Don’t Touch Me Please

When I realize that I’m eating too much pizza I stop eating pizza. Same goes for ice cream. This goes for people and behaviors as well.

Watching too much TV. I stop watching TV.

Cigarettes? Stop smoking.

Spending too much time with an ex? No contact with the ex.

Quitting something completely for a period of time gives me perspective from the behavior. I can examine my relationship to it. I develop awareness about when I reach for a particular behavior and why.

Then I can figure out whether this behavior belongs in my life, and to what extent.

Some things don’t make the cut. Cigarettes are out for me. I can’t use them safely. TV and movies are something I now reserve when I’m with friends.

Ice cream? Back off buddy. We’ll tackle ice cream another time, OK? 

Can sex stay?

Sex can stay; it definitely belongs in my life but something had to change. The compass needed recalibrating.

While I still want to have sex, I’m no longer interested in using sex to change the way I feel. Having sex because I can doesn’t make the cut either.

I want to mainly use sex as a way to connect meaningfully with someone.

I want to have sex with people I’m insanely attracted to. Not only physically, but emotionally as well. I want to be so excited to have sex that I’m willing to do all sorts of crazy things for it.

Enter The Brunch Standard

The Brunch Standard is the new benchmark for finding out whether I should have sex with someone. It helps me find out what my motives for having sex are. Connection or escape?

This is how it works. Before having sex with someone I need to ask myself 2 questions.

  1. Am I inviting this person to spend the night?
  2. Are we going to brunch in the morning together?

That’s it. If I can answer these two in the affirmative then it’s a green light for sex. If the answer is no then no sex for me tonight. Pretty simple.

What’s The Big Deal?

The older I get the less flexible I am with my sleep schedule and my morning routine.

Sleeping with a new person for the first time yields very little sleep. I don’t know what it is. New body in the bed. Not wanting to disturb them.

Either way I’m not sleeping much so I rarely invite new people to spend the night unless we’re actually dating. And I don’t really date much. There’s no real middle ground for me.

It's either casual sex or long term dating.

Also, I dislike brunch. Let me rephrase that. I severely hate brunch. 

There’s always a wait and you’re surrounded by people who love to brunch. There’s too much enthusiasm around and I’d much rather be having a quiet breakfast at home with my dog and the New York Times.

Quality Goes Up But Quantity Goes Down

The new Brunch Standard means that when I do have sex it’ll be with someone I’m incredibly excited about!

I’m gonna cuddle the hell out of them while they sleep because we both know I won’t be sleeping. I’ll be calling to see which restaurants have the longest wait so that we can spend extra time getting to know each other.

It also probably means that I won’t be having much sex this year. And that’s perfectly OK with me. Because I'm looking for quality. Not quantity. 

There's nothing wrong with quantity by the way, and if that's what you're looking for - I can help


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Shaun Galanos

Shaun Galanos is The Love Drive. He believes we all deserve love and works to help men (and women) develop more intimate relationships through honest and playful communication.

He lives, writes, and makes videos in Montreal.

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