10 months ago

My boyfriend just came out. The sex was really good. WTF?

Dear Love Drive,

My boyfriend just came out. The sex was really good. WTF?

My boyfriend of one year hasn’t been honest with me. I’ve caught him in little white lies, and he’s generally hesitant to share things with me.

I recently asked him if we should take a break. I wanted to give him space to think about why he doesn’t want to share with me and if we should be a couple.

When we started talking about he launched into how he can’t choose between men and women, for fear of missing out. He told me that he thinks he’s gay and wants to be in a relationship with a man.

I knew he was bi when we met, which wasn’t a problem for me. It’s obvious there was more to it than that.

He was also the best sex of my life. I’m a straight woman, and the best sex of my life was with a gay man?

What am I supposed to think?

Steering Clear of Bi Guys W, 29

Hi Steering Clear,

The best sex of your life was with this man

Not a gay man or a bi man. This man. You and him. It’s more about the connection you two have together than any labels.

Should you steer clear of bi guys? No more than anyone else.

You’re as likely to lose a partner who is bi as one who is straight.

People leave people for all sorts of reasons. Your boyfriend being attracted to both guys and girls doesn’t increase your chances of him leaving you. You just won’t know if his next partner will be a guy or a girl.

It’s so hard to lose a partner

Especially when you were having the best sex of your life with them. Ouch.

The great thing about having amazing lovers is they raise the bar. For you, your future lovers, and your sex life. You have a new baseline for what great sex feels like. What a gift.

You will have more great sex

I lost a partner years ago who up until then was the best lover I’d ever been with. The sex felt so connected, so exciting. Never mind that we both acted bat shit crazy around each other.

For over a year after the breakup she firmly held the title of ‘best sex ever’, until she didn’t. I eventually met someone who I had an even stronger sexual connection with. I didn’t think it would happen but it did. It always does.

You’re young. I’m excited for you

I sort of love it when people break up. It’s a great opportunity for new experiences. Sure it sucks. It’s never easy, it hurts.

But the growth that comes from a breakup? Incredible.

What are you supposed to think?

It sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t want to be in relationship with you anymore. Or with a woman. Either way he’s no longer available to you.

He could be using his wanting to be with a man as an excuse to break up with you.

Breaking up is really hard to do. People often use excuses. Unfortunately it doesn’t change the fact that he wants something other than what you can offer.

Take his explanation at face value

Your boyfriend wants to be with a man. He feels like he’s missing out.

You’ve caught him lying before, he could be lying now.

Does it change anything? It’s so powerful to let someone off the hook.

Plus do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t share things with you? Who tells you little white lies? For some reason he’s not able to be completely honest. There’s something fishy there.

It’s not you, it’s him.

Breakups aren’t personal

But they feel so goddamn personal, don’t they?

One day someone wants to be with you and the next they don’t.

It’s hard to believe we didn’t play some role our relationship ending, and maybe we did but it still doesn’t change the outcome. The faster we accept the faster we can start healing.

Gentle, loving, and kind

The best we can do is accept our partners for who they are, and to support them as much as we can. Even when we’re hurting, and confused, and terribly sad. We can be gentle, loving, and kind to our partners even when they want to break up with us. Even when they tell us little white lies.

More importantly we can be gentle, loving, and kind with ourselves.

Be extra good to yourself during this period of transition. Seek comfort with family and friends. Take your dog on extra long walks. Watch movies and order takeout. Get some exercise. Sit in meditation. Cry. Eat some ice cream.

And know that you deserve awesome love, and a wonderful partner, and some seriously amazing sex.

Bold Enough To Share?

Shaun Galanos

Shaun Galanos is The Love Drive. He believes we all deserve love and works to help men (and women) develop more intimate relationships through honest and playful communication.

He lives, writes, and makes videos in Montreal.

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