Sex with a new person isn't always amazing. Sometimes it's because the connection simply isn't there, but other times it's because you don't really know them yet. There's no intimacy.
Here's one easy thing you can do to have hotter, better sex...
You're nice. Wanna have sex?
I used to go on a lot of dates, which often resulted in a lot of sex. Which is great, if sex is the goal.
And sometimes, sex was the goal.
Whether it was rebound sex, or feeling particularly frisky for a casual encounter, or wanting to explore a new kind of sexual experience, meeting someone and having sex with them on the first date felt fine.
But other times, sex wasn't the goal. Connection and intimacy were the goal, and somehow, sex got in the way of forming a deeper connection with someone.
How could that be?
You're nice, but I don't wanna have sex anymore
At a young age I knew I was developing a pattern of having sex with someone and then losing interest immediately after sex.
And it didn't feel good.
I'd meet someone and feel immediately attracted to them. I was smitten and wanted to get to know them, or so I thought.
We'd go on a date, and if it went well, we'd go back to her place (or mine) and rip each other's clothes off. It was awesome.
But as soon as the sex was over, the desire to connect was gone, only to be replaced by a desire to leave immediately.
Lust had been the driving motivator in my attraction to them. After the urge to have sex was satisfied, the attraction was gone.
I didn't like this pattern but I didn't know how to change it.
And then I remembered something someone said a long time ago
Wisdom comes from unlikely sources sometimes
After high school I attended the local community college. My grades were garbage because I was a lazy and I smoked a lot of pot.
One day, while sitting in my creative writing class, the college professor said, seemingly out of nowhere,
The longer you keep your clothes on, the higher you raise the ceiling.
That was it. No explanation and no follow-up.
We were expected to draw our own conclusions from his statement, and no one had any idea what he was talking about.
Was he saying that keeping our clothes on was the secret to having more fulfilling connections?
Why did he tell a room full of 18 years old this? And what did it have to do with creative writing?
Not what you want to hear at 18
The last thing I wanted to hear was that keeping my clothes on would lead to more intimacy, but that's exactly what he was saying.
Postponing sex as long as possible would raise the level of desire and attraction towards my partner. I'd get to know them better, and build a deeper connection to them. Also, maybe we'd have better sex.
When we finally did have sex, after the 3rd or 4th date, if we could wait that long, we'd have developed a stronger connection that would keep us interested after the sex was over.
But I gave it a try for better sex
Instead of giving into the strong desire to get naked and have sex as soon as possible, I slowed the action down when it got heavy.
Easier said than done.
But not impossible.
It did involve not taking my clothes off immediately, savoring each moment, and moving much slower than I was used to.
It also involved talking to my partner about wanting to wait.
Most of my partners were just as eager as I was to jump in bed and weren't used to having a man wanting to slow down. Men are usually the gas pedal. Not always, but often.
Before getting naked, I learned to say,
I’m having a really good time with you, and I’d rather wait a bit before getting naked. Are you OK with just continuing to make out while keeping our clothes on?
She might look at you sideways when you say it, but then you can explain the mystery professors nugget.
Clothes on, ceiling up, better sex
I used to think if a girl wanted to have sex with me, I'd have to hurry up or lose my chance.
Turns out some women were even more attracted to me once I showed a little restraint and extended the dance that partners do before they have sex.
You only get to have sex for the first time with someone once. Might as well do everything you can to make it that much more fun.
If waiting to have sex for a few dates will increase the likelihood of having great sex while minimizing the likelihood that you'll lose interest, then it's worth giving it a shot.
Next time you find yourself in bed with an eager participant, try slowing the action down and waiting a few more dates. You’ll be impressed at the results.
Who knew keeping your clothes on would actually help you take your clothes off more often?
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