I’ve always been promiscuous. I lost my virginity at 15. I lost track of how many partners I’ve had. There couldn’t possibly be a problem with having too much sex, could there? There wasn’t until there was.
Being promiscuous started dramatically affecting my sex life.
I remember being promiscuous from the beginning
I lost my virginity at the age of 15 to a girl named Christine. I’d known her a few hours before we had sex. The next day she told her friends that I had a tan penis. People at school started calling me “Tan Dick”.
Aren’t we off to a great start?
By the age of 22 I’d had sex with over 30 women. I remember sitting in a coffee shop in Santa Barbara making a list, desperately trying to remember names. I couldn’t. That’s the moment I stopped counting.
A few years ago in met a lovely woman on a ferry. One hour later we were in her hotel room having sex.
I’m not saying this to brag. Nor do I feel any shame or regret about being promiscuous. It’s simply a snapshot into my relationship with sex and how being promiscuous has affected it.
Sex has always come easily to me
I’ve always loved connecting with people. Sex was the main way that I’d connect with women. Sex feels good so I figured I may as well have as much of it as possible. I didn’t really look at it as being promiscuous.
Online dating made things even easier. Thousands of potential partners at my fingertips. I learned to ask for what I wanted it and got it, often.
In all my romantic encounters I’m always looking for that magic spark. I can’t tell you what it is but I know it when I feel it. If the spark isn’t there it there’s probably no potential for a longterm relationship. Sex is certainly an option however.
Fucking amazing women
I’ve had sex for all sorts of reasons. The most fulfilling and most exciting is with an amazing woman who’s as attracted to me as I am to her. Excellent.
We have a great connection and we can’t help ourselves. Why would we want to? Sometimes this turns into a longer relationship. Sometimes we just become friends that fuck each other every now and then.
Other times it’s a woman I only have sex with once or twice. That’s OK too.
Fucking for the experience
I get turned on by having new sexual experiences. I’ve often found myself fucking someone because it’s an opportunity to have a new sexual experience. Some of these things are experiences I’ve always wanted to have. Others are experiences that scare and excite me.
That first threesome at Burning Man. That sex party in Oakland. That prostate massage in Thailand.
If I have a fantasy there’s a good chance that I’ll be looking for a willing partner to fulfill that fantasy with.
Fucking just for fucking
Other times I’ll be on a date with someone. She’s cute but we don’t have that much in common. There’s no spark but I’ll get turned on by the mere prospect of having sex. My sexual arousal takes over and steers us towards sex.
The arousal keeps me interested rather than the person keeping me interested. When the arousal is gone because the sex is over then my interest in the person quickly fades. Time to leave.
This doesn’t feel great. It feels like I’m using the person. We don’t have that much in common. I’d be better to end the date and curl up in bed with the dog and read a book. But that’s not what I do…
I’m feeling something I don’t want to be feeling.
Sadness, anger, loneliness, despair, depression. I could sit with the feeling, let it pass, or do something positive like exercise and mediation.
Instead I turn to Tinder and find a partner to have sex with. I use the word partner loosely because there’s no partnership there. Just me looking to escape my feelings by distracting myself with sex.
Swiping, matching, chatting, flirting, meeting up, seducing, fucking. Then it’s over and I feel worse. I still sad and lonely but know I’m remorseful as well. I’ve just used someone again to change the way I was feeling instead of facing the pain. Now, more pain.
My sex life was ruined
My sexual compass was broken. I couldn’t really tell why I wanted to have sex anymore. Sometimes it was obvious but most of the time it wasn’t.
I knew I was using sex in ways that didn’t feel right anymore. I had become aware. The problem with awareness is that it has a tendency to ruin all the fun.
Sex was ruined. It wasn’t fun anymore and it stopped working.
Part 1 – I stopped being promiscuous and stopped having sex altogether.
It had to stop. I needed distance from sex to examine my relationship to it. I spent some time abstaining from sex. Time and distance could help me figure out how to slowly and safely reincorporate sex into my life.
I was no longer interested in fucking just for fucking. Nor did I want to use sex as a means to escape my feelings.
How could I safely start having sex again without falling back into my old patterns? How could I make sure that I was having sex for the right reasons? To meaningfully connect with someone. Or to have fun, new, and exciting sexual experiences.
Part 2- Safely having sex using The Brunch Standard
The Brunch Standard is the new benchmark for finding out whether I should have sex with someone.
There are two questions that I must answer before any sexual encounter. If I can answer yes to these two simple questions then I have a green light to sex.
It’s that easy. Answering these two questions helped me decide whether I should have sex with that new person or not.
How many times have you had brunch this year?
Shaun Galanos is the host and producer of The Love Drive. He lives and writes in Montreal.