a few months ago

How To Behave At Your First Sex Party + How To Get An Invite

first sex party

So, you’re curious about what goes on behind the closed doors of a sex party? Wondering how to get invited or you got the lucky invite, but you’re not quite sure how to behave at your first sex party?

Don’t worry, I got you.

Here’s how to behave at your first sex party, plus how to get an invite.


So You Want To Go To Your First Sex Party?

Well my friend, I don’t blame you at all.

Ever since I knew sex parties were a thing, I’d wanted to go.

The problem is that they’re often invite only, and for a good reason. You can’t invite everyone to your sex party, lest you want your sex party to be filled with 95% dudes.

Because let’s be honest, that’s what happens when you invite everyone. All the sex party bros show up. Did someone say SEX PARTY?

Sure, you can find sex clubs that are pretty much open to everyone (some restrictions apply, see your local sex club for details), but we’re not talking about sex clubs here.

We’re talking about smaller, more private sex parties which tend to be more exciting, more fun, and WAYYYY sexier.

Sex parties are often curated affairs. At least my first sex party was.

Don't Make The Mistakes I Made At My First Sex Party

Some parties are more hetero, some are more queer friendly, some might be lesbian only, others might be fetish parties. Regardless of the type, organizers work hard to make sure there’s a good mix of people to make the party interesting.

So, how do you get included in that mix of fun sexy people?

The Best Way To Get Invited To Your First Sex Party

Sex parties (also called play parties) happen all the time. Depending on how large the sex community is in your area, there might be one or more parties happening every week.

You need to find someone who’s been, who might be plugged into the sex party scene, and who’s willing to invite you and vouch for you.

Think of your sexiest friend. The one that’s always talking about a wild party they went to, or a new wild sex move they tried over the weekend. Have they been? Ask them.

Do you have any polyamorous friends? What about that weird but very cool dude at the office with long hair, who insists on wearing board shorts to everything?

Polyamorous folks are usually pretty involved in ‘the community’ and can be good allies for you.

Otherwise, go to FetLife and sign up for a profile. Find your city or nearest metropolitan area and join their discussion group. You can often more public sex parties that aren't invite only, or perhaps they’ll have a friendly meet and greet you can join to get to know the community.

Go to one of their meet ups, have a few drinks, introduce yourself, talk about your desire to go to a sex party, and you might just get an invite that way.

Last resort, copy paste this into your Facebook status and see what happens.

“Hey. I’d really like to go to a sex party but I don’t know anyone who’s been. Do you have any experience or are you plugged into the community? Send me a private message, I want to hear from you!”

Seriously, if you're not concerned about what your friends might think, give it a shot!​

Got Your Invite? Great, Here’s How To Behave At Your First Sex Party

1. It's Normal To Be Nervous

I was terrified the first time I went to a sex party. I was literally sweating behind the knees.

It’s OK to be nervous, and it’s normal to feel outside your element. A sex party can be a really nerve wracking experience. So let it be a little nerve wracking, and a little exciting. 

2. Have One Drink But No More

Have a drink if it’ll help you relax, but you don’t want to be drunk or on drugs. A lot of people get way too intoxicated at sex parties and it can get in the way of having fun.

Alcohol lowers your ability to make good, sound decisions and you’ll need all the judgement you can muster. Also you don’t want to be that drunk guy (or gal) that everyone tries to avoid.

3. Take It Easy, The Sex Doesn't Happen Immediately​

Sex parties often take a while to warm up. Don’t be surprised if it takes several hours before people start getting naked or having sex. The first few hours of a party are for mingling and flirting.

Do show up early and take this opportunity to introduce yourself to people you find attractive. It’s just like a regular party, except that eventually lots of people will be having sex. Yay for sex!

4. Practice Saying No With Tact​

Know that once you step into a sex party, people might invite you to partake in activities that you might not be comfortable partaking in. Or sometimes you’ll be approached by people you’re not particularly attracted to.

If you have a hard time saying no, get some practice with a friend beforehand. Say something like,

I’m really flattered by the invitation, but I’m not interested.

Or even simply saying,

No, thank you.

​5. Practice Inviting People To Join you

Sex parties are a great place to practice your communication around sex and consent. They’ll force you to use your words.

When you meet someone that catches your fancy, practice inviting them to join you in an activity. Perhaps you’d like to dance with them, or make out on the patio, or offer someone a massage. Muster the courage, and then ask.

Would you like a kiss, or a massage?

Would you like to dance with me?

6. Handle Rejection With Kindness And Grace

When someone turns you down, thank them graciously.

Thank you, have a lovely evening.

It’s not personal, they’re just not interested in what you have to offer. Be kind and gracious to everyone and remember, just because they said no now, doesn’t mean they won't circle back around later and reconsider.

7. Respect Other's Boundaries​

Respecting other’s boundaries and the rules of the party is paramount. Ask for consent in everything you do, and remember that a lack of response isn’t a “yes”.

Practice making specific request before the party so you feel comfortable doing so during the party. These are all incredibly valuable tools which will enable you to get the most out of your first sex party. 

Can I join you?

Can I touch you here?

Would you like me to continue?

8. Have No Expectations

Leave your expectations at the door. It’s OK to have a goal of what you’d like to experience, but don’t let those goals rule your evening.

Stay open and let the evening unfold as it does. Letting go on your expectations will prevent you from being disappointed if you leave without having done what you wanted to do. Remember, there will be other sex parties!

9. Be Safe​

This should go without saying, but it's worth repeating. 

Practice safe sex. Know your sexual health status. Get tested often. 

If you have an STI and are contagious, either consider waiting until the next party or keep your underwear on and be honest about status (“Oh, I’m really bummed but I have genital herpes and just had a flareup. It’s gone now but I’d rather be safe than sorry. I’m going to be keeping my underwear on but I’m available for kissing and massages”).

Now You're Well Prepared To Make The Most Of It

And you should make the most of it. There are probably sexy people having sex with each other right now at some amazing party!

Sex parties can be incredibly fun, and they can also be challenging and awkward. Make the most of it by trying something new, having no expectations, and be prepared to be turned on and delighted. 

Now will you please go find an invitation to a sex party and let me know how it went?

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Shaun Galanos

Shaun Galanos is The Love Drive. He believes we all deserve love and works to help men (and women) develop more intimate relationships through honest and playful communication. He lives, writes, and makes videos in Montreal.

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